Okay, folx, settle in, you’re in for a ride.
So much has happened since I last updated. I’ve moved, my mum came home from rehab and then went back to the hospital and then back home, I had a Pathfinder convention, I made new friends, and I’ve been steadily getting worse with certain aspects of my mental health.
To start, let’s talk about my mum. She had surgery for kidney stones again over a month back. It messed with her back and she had to go to a transitional care rehab place. She finally got home and she got stuck on the couch. I wasn’t there because I had moved, but I was told she had to go to hospital again and then she came home a few days later. She finally has a PCA and a home health nurse to help her out.
I went to a Pathfinder convention this weekend. My friend Luffy and I went together. He stayed at my new apartment because I live closer to the convention and so he could get a break from his mum. I had fun and I made some friends. Also, I realized I don’t like people in my apartment for long periods of time.
I moved on the 15th. I am enjoying the new apartment. It’s a brand new complex so I’m the first to ever live here. I haven’t gone shopping with my housing person yet to get stuff, but I’m sending him a list tonight of things. It’s relatively quiet. I hear banging from upstairs sometimes and there’s a dog that barks whenever I’m in the hallway. It’s really quiet other than that. I haven’t heard any gunshots or loud drunk people since I moved here. It’s great.
I have been increasingly anxious. I had a panic attack today at the store. I hadn’t had a panic attack at the store in a long time. I had flashbacks the other day and I’ve had a lot of intrusive memories.
The thing that bothers me most isn’t that stuff though. I can control whether or not I have a flashback to an extent. It’s whatever. I’ve been mostly dissociated since I moved.
The thing that bothers me the most is that I had flashbacks when I was taking a bath and I ended up sitting on my bedroom floor. I felt like I was very far away and locked in a see-through closet. I literally felt like I was in a closet and I was banging on the door to let me out and for my body to move. I wasn’t in control of my actions. My body was swaying back and forth and doing weird shit. I couldn’t do anything. I hadn’t had an episode like that in years.
I don’t know how to bring that up to my therapist because I don’t want her to think I’m crazy. I might have been able to talk to Charon about it, but I didn’t like talking to her about my weird episodes either. To be perfectly honest, dear readers, I think I’m losing bits of time again.
And that scares me more than anything.
-The Sarcastic Autist