Feeling Scared

Hisashiburi, mina! I’m still settling into the apartment.  The cat is with me. I am still seeing that new therapist that I haven’t come up with a name yet for.  I’m going to be trying to start HRT again.  There’s a protest in the new city I’m in that I want to go to.  I have therapy tomorrow, though, so I might not be able to.

I had a panic attack at the store last week, week before.  I was just trying to buy chips and salsa and suddenly I thought there was too many people and so I put them back and I left. I’ve been way more dissociated lately than I normally am.  I’m missing bits of time.  My anxiety has been so bad that I finally relented and asked Styx to start Buspar.  Anytime I leave my apartment, I’m afraid I’m going to run into Exacerbating Ex, and since I can’t remember faces, any white woman who is older and taller than me freaks me out.

I kinda feel like I’m falling apart a bit.  I’ve been having a lot more thoughts of cutting.  I haven’t yet, but the thoughts and feelings are there.  I’m going to be talking to my therapist about it tomorrow.  I wanted to type it up on here first, to get it all out in the open.

There is a lot of stuff I never told Charon because I was afraid to.  While I’m still afraid of talking to the new therapist about things, I’m not attached enough so if she decides I’m lying or whatever, it won’t be as upsetting, probably.

In any case, this is the thing.  When I was a teen, I saw a therapist that thought I had Depersonalization Disorder.  That’s where you feel like you aren’t in your body.  A few years later, a now ex-friend of mine, Bitch Face, told me that she was told she had Dissociative Identity Disorder.  I looked it up and realized that a lot of the symptoms under that, I had.  Significant memory loss, especially during childhood, people I didn’t know acting like we were great friends and calling me by various nicknames, things I didn’t remember getting showing up, being one place and then suddenly being someplace else, things of that nature.

That started me down a dark time in my life.  That’s when I met Exacerbating Ex and she had me convinced of some things that just plain weren’t true, all the drugs and alcohol and the autism didn’t help me stay grounded in reality.  I don’t remember a whole lot from that time, if I’m being honest.  I remember bits and pieces, here and there.  When she kicked me out and I started seeing Charon, I started locking all that down. Charon told me she didn’t think DID existed and I decided I didn’t want to deal with it in any case and decided I didn’t have it, I just had PTSD from the rape and a shitty childhood and that it’s perfectly normal to have the memory loss and the experiences I have had.

When I was seeing Charon, I did stop dissociating as much.  I still did and I didn’t bring it up to her when I did or when I lost time.  I was afraid of being called a liar and that she wouldn’t believe me.  I wouldn’t remember what we talked about in some of our sessions and she’d remind me and I’d just bullshit my way through.  I didn’t always remember filling out the diary card, but there it was.  When I finally did feel like I was in a place to start working on my childhood bullshit, I had to stop seeing her.  That’s okay because I don’t remember a lot of my childhood.  It has more holes than swiss cheese.

The thing is, I feel like I’m in a safe environment for the first time in my life.  So long as I’m in my apartment, I feel 100% safe.  This has never happened before.  My childhood was spent living with both my abusive parents, moving into a house with abusive aunt and uncle and being treated like shit, moving out into a place with just my abusive and negligent mum, then moving in with an abusive ex, then back with my mum.  It’s just me and the cat here.  I don’t feel that constant struggle of keeping myself on guard all the time.

I’m falling apart because of that.  I can’t just toss my emotions into the back of the closet to deal with later anymore because it IS later.  All this shit is coming up again.  I’m losing time more frequently than I had in a long time.  It’s scary.  I’m afraid I’m going down that same dark road I was on all those years ago.  I don’t think I have DID.  I don’t know.  I know I don’t want to have it. I mean, whenever I talked to a professional in the past about losing time and stuff, they’d downplay it or call me a liar.  Hell, people called me a liar even if they weren’t a professional.

I’m just scared right now.  I don’t want to deal with this stuff.  I don’t know if I’d rather be a liar or not at this point. I just know that I’m scared that I’m losing time and I’m scared that I’m losing my mind.

And I don’t know what to do.

-The Sarcastic Autist