Drop Bears, Trauma, & Gender Stuff

Hello, friends!  Wow, has it been a rollercoaster ride these last few weeks. I’m having a really hard time with my depression and PTSD/CPTSD/whatever the fuck is wrong with me lately and have been doing the bare minimum lately.  In addition, I have cramps right now and I don’t even have a uterus, so this is some grade A bullshit.

To start with, I joined a dating app and have gotten a lot of likes.  It’s a real confidence booster.  I’ve gone on a couple of dates and have been chatting with about a half dozen or so different people.  I get really anxious about actually meeting people, though, so there’s that.

I went to the dentist and got misgendered a lot.  The dentist also said some really not cool things to me, mostly about my teeth grinding.  I’ve had tooth pain since getting a couple cavities filled. I’m supposed to go in and get more filled but I don’t know if I want to go back to that dentist or not.

I had a realization after I witnessed someone get their purse stolen and I wasn’t able to do much to help since I’m overweight, out of shape, and have asthma.  Since then, I’ve been working on bettering my diet and getting back into shape.  I refuse to take the elevator, too. That incident was a bit traumatizing for me.

The other day, one of the YouTubers that I really like held a workshop that I went to.  They signed my copy of their book.  It was really fun and probably the highlight of my year.  I also signed up to volunteer at a queer-run library. After the workshop, on my way home, a couple guys started following me onto the tram.  I ran to another compartment and was really freaked out.  They smelled clearly of alcohol. It was very activating for me.

I told my mum I decided not to care if she told her family that I’m non-binary. I’ve been having increasing dysphoria about my body and the idea of going to Thanksgiving stuff and having to hide myself. I don’t like feeling inauthentic.  On that topic, I don’t even like wearing bras at all anymore. I do when I’m home because I have asthma and I get pressure sores/blisters when I wear my binder for too long.  I’m starting to get really antsy and excited about getting top surgery. I can hardly wait until I can get my top chopped.  Yeet the teat.  Guillotine my teeter totters. Toss my funbags. Fire my Mike Wazowskis.

Anyway, yeah.  I’m also working (mostly been brainstorming ideas) on the thing Charon asked me to do.  She asked me to guest speak at her DBT group about how awesome DBT is. I’m mostly wanting to talk about Drop Bears. She really needs to get back to me and clarify what she wants me to say, exactly, otherwise I’m just going to be going on a tangent about how Drop Bears relate to DBT.

Also, I’ve been having more lost time.  I know this because I always flush the toilet and I keep waking up to a toilet that isn’t flushed. It’s kinda gross.  Things aren’t where I left them and since my carbon monoxide alarm hasn’t gone off, it’s not that. I ended up cutting a while back because I couldn’t deal.  On the other hand, I realized all it does it make me dissociate so I’m not sure how I’m going to do in the future regarding that.

That’s pretty much.  There’s a bit more but nothing I want to talk about now.  Thanks for reading.

-The Sarcastic Autist

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