I don’t even remember the last time I posted. I’ve been going through so much shit lately. I asked for some Ativan for my panic attacks and got some. I have been having a lot of panic and anxiety attacks lately. My mum was sent to the hospital a week after Thanksgiving and she apparently had a super rare infection in her spine. She went back to the short term care facility/rehab place. Then they sent her to the ER because she was in acute kidney failure. She probably won’t die, it was just really touch and go for a bit.
Speaking of my mother, I realised I don’t love her the other day. I told her I loved her and I got that gross feeling in my mouth that I get when I lie. And now I feel bad because I don’t love my own mother. Never mind she was an abusive bitch to me growing up. I also know I come to the conclusion that I don’t really care for her every once in a while. I just don’t like feeling like a horrible person for not loving my mum so I kinda just ignore it.
I’ve been dating this one girl from OKCupid. She’s really cool and we have a lot of things in common. We’ve been talking about getting rats together. I don’t mind her touching me all the time, even just cuddling or holding hands. I feel like I’m touch starved around her ,whereas, with everyone else, I recoil if someone even wants a handshake.
I’m just exhausted though.
-The Sarcastic Autist
the sarcastic autist 
Love is something that should be earned through genuine connection and treating a person like…a person. If your mother was abusive, it’s okay to mentally accept, “I feel a tie towards her because of history, and that tie can be confusing and it’s not necessarily something I want to completely sever for my own reasons. But, I don’t *owe* anyone love, and it’s okay to not feel it for someone who didn’t show it in her actions.” Nobody advocates stating in an abusive relationship (at least, so I hope), but for some reason society expects “forgiveness” for parents for things we’d scream “dump em” if it were a relationship of choice. That’s…not cool. We deserve mutual respect in all “loving” relationships.
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