Of Smallness and Lostness

Okay, I have no idea if lostness is even a word.  Full disclosure: I’m not even sure I’m using the right terminology for this feeling.  Please, tell me if any of you feel this way.

I had group today, as I do most Wednesday afternoons.  I always try to take the most out of group.  I try and go with an open mind and I try to understand what Charon and Styx (the other therapist who runs the group) are teaching.  Most of the time I end up feeling very confused.  I don’t want to make everyone sit and listen to another explanation so I keep mum about it.  I’m also pretty sure it’s my Autism making this so hard.

I know I’m probably sounding like I’m having a pity party and I kind of am.  I feel very small because everyone else talks about how they apply the skills and how the skills make sense and I’m not even sure how to use the skills in the first place.  They talk about all the adulty stuff they can do and how one chick is getting married, one dude has issues with his kids, another has job issues and another has health issues.  They all have these huge life interfering problems and relationship troubles and I don’t even fucking understand their relationship shit.  It’s all very confusing.

Confession time: when I get home from group, sometimes I feel super empowered and like fuck everything I’m awesome and I can do this.  However, I’m getting this increasingly alarming feeling of lostness.  I’m becoming more and more confused and like I don’t really belong because I never have anything that other people can relate to.  I just want to cry.  Why is it so hard for me to understand the phrase ‘eat crow’?  What the fuck does ‘choose your hard’ actually mean?   What does baseball have to do with Willingness?

I know I’m getting stuck on idioms and analogies and I think that’s just ridiculous.  I can understand my own analogies.  Why are other people’s analogies so hard?  Today, we were talking about ‘half-smile’ and for the longest part I kept thinking it was just smiling with half your mouth, not doing a tiny smile.  I also don’t think I’m going to be very good at half-smiling.  I smile most of the time anyway.

I smile in confusion.  I smile because I have a facial tick and it’s not as noticeable if I smile.  I really really want to be able to go in next week and say “I totally fucking rocked that skill”.  I’m worried I won’t be able to.  I know I’m the only person holding me back.  I know that I’m making excuses.  I’m very insecure about my smile.  I have great teeth.  I have an awesome smile.  I also have that mother fucking tic that makes me look like I’m grimacing half the time and I normally don’t even notice it.

I don’t understand people either.  I don’t understand why saying that my mother is old and watches old people television upsets people.  I don’t understand why you can’t just tell someone you don’t like them.  I don’t understand why most of the women in group talk about the things people do to them instead of talking about the cool things or ideas they did on their own.   They are more interested in stuff like weddings and pleasing bosses and customers and daughters and I’m more interested in things like video games and books and history and science and Richard Simmons supposed sex change because I fucking called it.

I don’t have a lot in common with them and that happens.  It just kind of sucks.  I feel really alienated in group.

I’m in a state of upsettness and I think I’m just gonna call it a night.

-The Sarcastic Autist