Drop Bears, Trauma, & Gender Stuff

Hello, friends!  Wow, has it been a rollercoaster ride these last few weeks. I’m having a really hard time with my depression and PTSD/CPTSD/whatever the fuck is wrong with me lately and have been doing the bare minimum lately.  In addition, I have cramps right now and I don’t even have a uterus, so this is some grade A bullshit.

To start with, I joined a dating app and have gotten a lot of likes.  It’s a real confidence booster.  I’ve gone on a couple of dates and have been chatting with about a half dozen or so different people.  I get really anxious about actually meeting people, though, so there’s that.

I went to the dentist and got misgendered a lot.  The dentist also said some really not cool things to me, mostly about my teeth grinding.  I’ve had tooth pain since getting a couple cavities filled. I’m supposed to go in and get more filled but I don’t know if I want to go back to that dentist or not.

I had a realization after I witnessed someone get their purse stolen and I wasn’t able to do much to help since I’m overweight, out of shape, and have asthma.  Since then, I’ve been working on bettering my diet and getting back into shape.  I refuse to take the elevator, too. That incident was a bit traumatizing for me.

The other day, one of the YouTubers that I really like held a workshop that I went to.  They signed my copy of their book.  It was really fun and probably the highlight of my year.  I also signed up to volunteer at a queer-run library. After the workshop, on my way home, a couple guys started following me onto the tram.  I ran to another compartment and was really freaked out.  They smelled clearly of alcohol. It was very activating for me.

I told my mum I decided not to care if she told her family that I’m non-binary. I’ve been having increasing dysphoria about my body and the idea of going to Thanksgiving stuff and having to hide myself. I don’t like feeling inauthentic.  On that topic, I don’t even like wearing bras at all anymore. I do when I’m home because I have asthma and I get pressure sores/blisters when I wear my binder for too long.  I’m starting to get really antsy and excited about getting top surgery. I can hardly wait until I can get my top chopped.  Yeet the teat.  Guillotine my teeter totters. Toss my funbags. Fire my Mike Wazowskis.

Anyway, yeah.  I’m also working (mostly been brainstorming ideas) on the thing Charon asked me to do.  She asked me to guest speak at her DBT group about how awesome DBT is. I’m mostly wanting to talk about Drop Bears. She really needs to get back to me and clarify what she wants me to say, exactly, otherwise I’m just going to be going on a tangent about how Drop Bears relate to DBT.

Also, I’ve been having more lost time.  I know this because I always flush the toilet and I keep waking up to a toilet that isn’t flushed. It’s kinda gross.  Things aren’t where I left them and since my carbon monoxide alarm hasn’t gone off, it’s not that. I ended up cutting a while back because I couldn’t deal.  On the other hand, I realized all it does it make me dissociate so I’m not sure how I’m going to do in the future regarding that.

That’s pretty much.  There’s a bit more but nothing I want to talk about now.  Thanks for reading.

-The Sarcastic Autist

Fucking Hells

Hey all, sorry I’ve been MIA.  I’ve been really struggling lately. Half the time I feel like I’m in some sort of weird dream state, the other half I’m just so depressed I can barely do anything. I’ve been dealing with a lot of urges to cut.  I haven’t, though. The urge is there.  Honestly, when it comes to self-harm stuff, it’s when I get eerie calm is when I worry more.  I get super panicky or anxious or whatever and have that urge and then I get calm suddenly, like a switch is flipped, and it’s almost like I have no control over myself and I end up cutting.  Still haven’t done it, though, for the record.

Some good news!  I got a Top Surgery Consult scheduled for next year.  My slogan for next year is now “Yeet the Teet 2020” because I like pretending I’m in a presidential campaign.  I think it’s hilarious.  My friend Kuma-chan is getting married next year, too.  She also said that she’ll help take care of me if/when I get my fun bags guillotined.

I was asked to be a guest speaker at my old therapist’s office for DBT related things and I agreed.  I think it’ll be fun.  It’s been making me think more about how my life has changed since doing DBT stuff.

I’ve also been thinking about maybe dating again.  I struggle a lot with my self-worth when it comes to dating.  I don’t feel myself as attractive.  I’m disabled and may never be able to do any sort of gainful work. I can’t really do any homemaking stuff.  I don’t see what I can bring into a relationship outside of conversation. I feel like I’d be more of a burden than a partner.

As for as PTSD and dissociative stuff… It’s also getting worse.  I don’t know how much time I’m losing because I’m trying not to think about it much.  There’s times where I’ll be doing something and then I’m suddenly doing something else.  I’ll be watching an episode of a show and suddenly it’s 5 episodes later. Flashbacks are getting worse. Normally, I’m able to keep at least some sort of grasp on the here and now, but lately… Lately I’ve been getting sucked in more and more.  Last night I was struggling with not slipping back. Sometimes I’ll be doing something innocuous and suddenly I’ll feel the physical sensations of being assaulted. I had a few moments where I was hearing my dad yelling out my dead name.

I’m not doing well. The anniversary of the Thing is coming up again and I’m doing way worse than I was last year. I’m still freaked out about my ex whenever I leave my apartment. My brother told me our da was recently in my town for a Trump rally and now I’m additionally paranoid about seeing him.

My sleep is shite.  I got bags under my eyes. I’m starting to look like a racoon. I feel jumpy as fuck. I force myself to lay in bed, even if it activates the fuck out of me, because I need the rest.

I’m planning on talking to my therapist next week a bit more.  I’ve been telling her maybe one or two more things lately.  I feel like I really need to talk about some of this shit because it’s really affecting me.

Anyways, I’m gonna go read.  Thank you for your time.

-The Sarcastic Autist

Feeling Scared

Hisashiburi, mina! I’m still settling into the apartment.  The cat is with me. I am still seeing that new therapist that I haven’t come up with a name yet for.  I’m going to be trying to start HRT again.  There’s a protest in the new city I’m in that I want to go to.  I have therapy tomorrow, though, so I might not be able to.

I had a panic attack at the store last week, week before.  I was just trying to buy chips and salsa and suddenly I thought there was too many people and so I put them back and I left. I’ve been way more dissociated lately than I normally am.  I’m missing bits of time.  My anxiety has been so bad that I finally relented and asked Styx to start Buspar.  Anytime I leave my apartment, I’m afraid I’m going to run into Exacerbating Ex, and since I can’t remember faces, any white woman who is older and taller than me freaks me out.

I kinda feel like I’m falling apart a bit.  I’ve been having a lot more thoughts of cutting.  I haven’t yet, but the thoughts and feelings are there.  I’m going to be talking to my therapist about it tomorrow.  I wanted to type it up on here first, to get it all out in the open.

There is a lot of stuff I never told Charon because I was afraid to.  While I’m still afraid of talking to the new therapist about things, I’m not attached enough so if she decides I’m lying or whatever, it won’t be as upsetting, probably.

In any case, this is the thing.  When I was a teen, I saw a therapist that thought I had Depersonalization Disorder.  That’s where you feel like you aren’t in your body.  A few years later, a now ex-friend of mine, Bitch Face, told me that she was told she had Dissociative Identity Disorder.  I looked it up and realized that a lot of the symptoms under that, I had.  Significant memory loss, especially during childhood, people I didn’t know acting like we were great friends and calling me by various nicknames, things I didn’t remember getting showing up, being one place and then suddenly being someplace else, things of that nature.

That started me down a dark time in my life.  That’s when I met Exacerbating Ex and she had me convinced of some things that just plain weren’t true, all the drugs and alcohol and the autism didn’t help me stay grounded in reality.  I don’t remember a whole lot from that time, if I’m being honest.  I remember bits and pieces, here and there.  When she kicked me out and I started seeing Charon, I started locking all that down. Charon told me she didn’t think DID existed and I decided I didn’t want to deal with it in any case and decided I didn’t have it, I just had PTSD from the rape and a shitty childhood and that it’s perfectly normal to have the memory loss and the experiences I have had.

When I was seeing Charon, I did stop dissociating as much.  I still did and I didn’t bring it up to her when I did or when I lost time.  I was afraid of being called a liar and that she wouldn’t believe me.  I wouldn’t remember what we talked about in some of our sessions and she’d remind me and I’d just bullshit my way through.  I didn’t always remember filling out the diary card, but there it was.  When I finally did feel like I was in a place to start working on my childhood bullshit, I had to stop seeing her.  That’s okay because I don’t remember a lot of my childhood.  It has more holes than swiss cheese.

The thing is, I feel like I’m in a safe environment for the first time in my life.  So long as I’m in my apartment, I feel 100% safe.  This has never happened before.  My childhood was spent living with both my abusive parents, moving into a house with abusive aunt and uncle and being treated like shit, moving out into a place with just my abusive and negligent mum, then moving in with an abusive ex, then back with my mum.  It’s just me and the cat here.  I don’t feel that constant struggle of keeping myself on guard all the time.

I’m falling apart because of that.  I can’t just toss my emotions into the back of the closet to deal with later anymore because it IS later.  All this shit is coming up again.  I’m losing time more frequently than I had in a long time.  It’s scary.  I’m afraid I’m going down that same dark road I was on all those years ago.  I don’t think I have DID.  I don’t know.  I know I don’t want to have it. I mean, whenever I talked to a professional in the past about losing time and stuff, they’d downplay it or call me a liar.  Hell, people called me a liar even if they weren’t a professional.

I’m just scared right now.  I don’t want to deal with this stuff.  I don’t know if I’d rather be a liar or not at this point. I just know that I’m scared that I’m losing time and I’m scared that I’m losing my mind.

And I don’t know what to do.

-The Sarcastic Autist

I’ve moved!

Okay, folx, settle in, you’re in for a ride.

So much has happened since I last updated.  I’ve moved, my mum came home from rehab and then went back to the hospital and then back home, I had a Pathfinder convention, I made new friends, and I’ve been steadily getting worse with certain aspects of my mental health.

To start, let’s talk about my mum.  She had surgery for kidney stones again over a month back.  It messed with her back and she had to go to a transitional care rehab place.  She finally got home and she got stuck on the couch.  I wasn’t there because I had moved, but I was told she had to go to hospital again and then she came home a few days later.  She finally has a PCA and a home health nurse to help her out.

I went to a Pathfinder convention this weekend.  My friend Luffy and I went together.  He stayed at my new apartment because I live closer to the convention and so he could get a break from his mum.  I had fun and I made some friends.  Also, I realized I don’t like people in my apartment for long periods of time.

I moved on the 15th.  I am enjoying the new apartment.  It’s a brand new complex so I’m the first to ever live here.  I haven’t gone shopping with my housing person yet to get stuff, but I’m sending him a list tonight of things.  It’s relatively quiet.  I hear banging from upstairs sometimes and there’s a dog that barks whenever I’m in the hallway.  It’s really quiet other than that.  I haven’t heard any gunshots or loud drunk people since I moved here.  It’s great.

I have been increasingly anxious.  I had a panic attack today at the store.  I hadn’t had a panic attack at the store in a long time.  I had flashbacks the other day and I’ve had a lot of intrusive memories.

The thing that bothers me most isn’t that stuff though.  I can control whether or not I have a flashback to an extent.  It’s whatever.  I’ve been mostly dissociated since I moved.

The thing that bothers me the most is that I had flashbacks when I was taking a bath and I ended up sitting on my bedroom floor.  I felt like I was very far away and locked in a see-through closet.  I literally felt like I was in a closet and I was banging on the door to let me out and for my body to move.  I wasn’t in control of my actions.  My body was swaying back and forth and doing weird shit.  I couldn’t do anything.  I hadn’t had an episode like that in years.

I don’t know how to bring that up to my therapist because I don’t want her to think I’m crazy.  I might have been able to talk to Charon about it, but I didn’t like talking to her about my weird episodes either.  To be perfectly honest, dear readers, I think I’m losing bits of time again.

And that scares me more than anything.

-The Sarcastic Autist

Stressed AF

I haven’t written in a while because life has been so hectic and I’ve been dealing with a shit ton of stress.

My mum has been in a rehab facility for a few weeks now.  She has kidney stones again.  When they did the procedure to blast one of her kidneys, it fucked up her back and she had to go to hospital.  Until she is able to wipe her own ass again, she can’t come back home.  I don’t want her to come back until I’ve talked to the social worker there about getting supports set up for her at home.  I would like her to at least have a PCA.  I am hopefully going to be moving out soon and my brother works 40+ hours a week doing a very physically tasking job.  My sister-in-law isn’t able to help my mum out with all the stuff she needs help with.

I’ve gained weight because I’ve been eating like shit, drinking like shit, and not exercising.  I’ve also been having more pain, but that’s probably because of my shit lifestyle right now.  The weight gain makes me feel like shit.

I’ve been having a lot of nightmares lately.  I’ve also been having a lot of memories come up and flashbacks and my sleep is utter shite.  I’ve been struggling with staying present and not dissociating.  I’ve been dissociating a lot more often, several times a day, if not all day, and I haven’t a clue how to get myself back on track.  I think part of the reason I’ve been like this is because my mum hasn’t been home and therefore I feel a bit safer.

I’m still waiting on that apartment.  In case I hadn’t described it before, it’s a Section 42, Low Income Housing Tax Credit apartment in a new building.  It’s combinable with my Section 8 voucher.  I got approved by the apartment complex, then by Section 42, and Section 8 has now said I can afford it and I’ve received my estimated rent portion.  I’m still waiting to hear back about the Section 8 inspection.  Once they do the inspection, I can sign the lease and move in.  I have to figure out with my liason guy how the rent deposit thing is going to work.

Speaking of the liason guy, I accidentally got two different housing companies working with me for a bit.  It’s fixed now, but jeepers, that was stressful.  When I originally got the call from Rainbow (fake name) about the Voucher, I hadn’t realized I would be assigned a worker.  I had been working with a different company, Village (also fake name).  So, when I was told that I would be working with someone from Rainbow, I let Village know, but Village didn’t believe me for whatever reason so I had overlapping services.  I feel bad about that still but I’m told it’s taken care of now.

I’m stressed about the apartment.  I have no pots or pans.  I bought some cheap silverware and a bucket yesterday.  It made me feel a bit better prepared.  I don’t really have a lot of cleaning supplies.  I may or may not have a couch, it’s going to depend on how my brother says the couch is.  I don’t have a bookshelf.  I have a lot of books.  I don’t know how to set up utilities.  I’m not sure how much utilities are.

I have a bucket and I have a plunger and I’m good.  I’m trying to be chill about this but it is very anxiety inducing.

I have a Pathfinder convention coming up in a couple weeks.  That’s also stress inducing.  I’m just stressed.  I need a hug.  And sleep.  And some dishes.

-The Sarcastic Autist

Inadequate

I’d been wanting to wait to post until I got an update regarding housing stuff, but there seems to be a delay with the background check or something. I’ve been having a hell of a time and decided to update despite that.

I’m going to continue seeing that new therapist.  I’m going to have to come up with a name for her on here.  She seems nice enough.  I saw her Wednesday, Cybele yesterday, and Styx today.  Been a bit of a busy week for me.

I’m close to having a huge meltdown because of all the shit going on here.  I was looking forward to having chilli for weeks and finally got everyone on board with how we were going to do it and my mum fucked up the beans.  I prepare them a certain way and she decided that she knew better and switched the prep half-way through.  I told her when I found out that I give up and I’m no longer going to make the chilli.  She fucked up, she can tell my brother and she can make the beans.

She tried to say I never told her that when I had to explain to my brother why I didn’t cook the beans.  If she keeps that shit up, I’m going to tell her that we need to get her checked out since she’s having so many memory problems with things I’ve told her.

She’s back to treating me like shit.  She is always praising my brother and my nephew and thanking them for shit and she hardly ever thanks me for stuff.  She doesn’t even tell me she loves me unless someone else is listening.

I just feel so inadequate right now.  My brother can do all these things that are just baffling to me and I’m just… I don’t know what I’m doing half the time.  I get so overwhelmed so easily, even more so now because there’s no escape from the noise.

Nephew is constantly making loud noises, which is legit, he’s 5.  He’s going to make noise.  He just scream-cries a lot and then his parents yell at him and that scares me.  It makes my anxiety go through the roof and I’ve had a few panic attacks and it’s triggering flashbacks and memories of childhood shit.  I can’t deal with this.  I’ve tried talking to them about the yelling and they yelled at me about telling them how to parent their kid.  I feel like I’m being selfish but I’m not tolerating this shit well.

I’ve been having an increase in migraines and such and I’m pretty sure it’s because of the stress of being here.  It’d be helpful if I could leave the house more, but I can’t do much when I get migraines.  Even today I’ve been fighting the pre-migraine nausea.  I’m getting really sick of everyone’s disregard for me.

I’m just holding out to when I can move out.  It shouldn’t be too long now.

I hope.

-The Sarcastic Autist

Brother Problems

I got into an argument with my brother yesterday.  His kid was crying for whatever reason and being fussy and I heard Oniisan and Sister-in-law arguing with Nephew and then I heard what sounded like a smack and heavier crying.  It set me off.  I cried a bit because I was scared.

When Oniisan left their bedroom, I confronted him.  I realize I probably should have waited and I really wanted to, but I figured since I was so activated, I probably should.  I was wrong.  I told Oniisan what I heard and asked if he spanked Nephew and he said no.  I was skeptical, but I said okay and reminded him that there’s no hitting or spanking while I’m here.  He got pissed and started accusing me of telling him how to parent.

I want to say, for the record, I don’t think he hit his kid.  He was too angry to lie to me. If Oniisan said he didn’t, I wasn’t going to push the issue.  However, once he started cussing at me, I told him I was only checking because it triggered me and I had to make sure.  I told him that I recognized that my PTSD issues are mine to deal with, but could he please be considerate and not talk to me the way he was.  If he couldn’t, I wouldn’t talk to him.  Boundaries.

He couldn’t, so I went to my room.  I haven’t talked to him since.  I overheard him complaining later that I was telling him how to parent.  I was not.  I was very explicit that I wasn’t telling him how to parent.  His kid, his rules.  My rules are no hitting and spanking is hitting, so he has to figure something else out.

I spent all day in my room avoiding everyone because I didn’t feel like dealing with that disaster yet.  I’m planning on telling Oniisan that I’ll just stay in my room if something like that happens again.  It kind of sucks.  I used to have such an idealistic view of my brother and now I realize I don’t even know him.  They are all virtually strangers.  I think I probably just idolized him because he’s my big brother and the only one who consistently was nice to me growing up.

He’s kind of an asshole, now.

-The Sarcastic Autist

Therapy Quests

Okay, so I said I’d come up with some goals/things I wanted to work on in therapy and that I was going to label it “Therapy Quests” and I did. I’ve come up with a few.

The Quests

Quest One: I want to feel valued and loved.  I want to stop feeling like I don’t matter and that I’m not loved.

Quest Two: I want to feel worthy of love.  I want to stop feeling like I don’t deserve people being nice to me and I want to stop feeling like there’s always an ulterior motive.

Quest Three: I want to feel competent.  I want to stop feeling like I mess everything up and like I ruin everything.

Quest Four: I want to get a good night’s sleep on a regular basis.  I want to sleep without fucking nightmares and night terrors and waking up in a cold sweat with a scream caught in my throat.

Quest Five: I want to feel more grounded in the present.  I want to stop slipping into the past in flashbacks and memories.

 

That’s it. I think those are good goals/quests. For Quest One, I hadn’t realized I still had such a problem with accepting that people like me.  I was telling Okaasan about how Charon had said she enjoyed how my unique way of going about things made her have to think more creatively in treating me and how I thought that was a funny way of saying I could be difficult and Okaasan said that I’ve always been a challenge and a difficult child.  It’s the way she said it, making it seem like I do it on purpose and that I’m the problem child.  That conversation with Okaasan ended up making me feel like Charon was more than glad to get rid of me because I’m such a brat.

In my graduation card for DBT, Charon wrote that she’d miss me and that she had grown fond of me.  I’m going to be honest with you guys, it made me cry.  She didn’t have to write that.  I was expecting her to write that she was happy we were done because of how much of a pain I am.  Nothing Charon ever said or did indicated that she thought I was a bitch of a client.  My own self-perception made me believe a falsehood.  When I was talking to Kuma-chan about it, she said that she loved me because we’re best friends, not out of obligation.  It’s really challenging my outlook on myself and cementing that I need to stop listening to Okaasan about shit.

For Quest Two, I don’t feel like people should love me, or even like me. I feel like there’s something fundamentally wrong with me at my core being.  That may be because of how my family treats me and my track record of abusive relationships.  For a majority of my life, whenever someone said they loved me, they meant “I like that you do stuff for me and if you stopped doing things for me or made me mad, I’ll stop showing you affection and being nice to you”.  It fucks with a person’s own self-worth.

Quest Three came from me constantly feeling like I fuck shit up a lot.  I straight up do not know how to do a lot of things.  I need help with stuff I feel is simple, like looking for an apartment or school forms or any forms or even expressing my feelings.  I also don’t feel I’m good at anything. I feel mediocre a lot.  I think I mostly just feel lost trying to navigate things that other people seem to find easy.

Quest Four is pretty self-explanatory.  I have a lot of nightmares and night terrors and a good night’s sleep is hard to come by.  The DBT Nightmare Protocol hasn’t proven to work well for me.  I keep trying it, though.  Eventually, something has to work, right?

The final Quest on my list is probably going to be the hardest one, to be honest.  Quest Five needs to wait to be worked on until I get my own place.  I don’t feel safe where I am and that’s part of the issue.  I didn’t feel safe at home when I was doing Exposure Therapy and that was a huge part of why I didn’t work as hard on it as I should have.  I feel less safe than I did before.  It’s not that I’m being physically or sexually abused right now.  It’s more emotional and mental shit that’s coming at me from both Okaasan and Oniisan.  And it’s also so fucking noisy here now.

That’s all for now.  Thank you for reading.

Blessed Be,

The Sarcastic Autist

Exciting News!

Greetings, dear beloved readers!  I had a long day.  I met with my ARMHS worker this morning and then I had to clean my room so the people could come in and paint and then I had my briefing appointment for a Section 8 housing voucher. I’m feeling a lot less sad and emotional from the other day.  I still feel a little sad, but I also feel excited for new adventures.

My ARMHS worker and I had to renew my treatment plan. We also talked about how I want to try not to be as ‘abrasive’ when I meet the new therapist on Wednesday. My ARMHS and I laughed at how scary I was when we first met.  She touched my stuff and I was rather sullen and unwilling.  I mean, that’s pretty on par for how I normally act when I meet new providers.  I’m not saying it’s right, it’s just how I am.  I have gotten massively better with Charon.  I’m hoping I won’t be a Willful Willis on Wednesday and I’ll be more open.  If I catch myself being an obstinate motherfucker, I’m going to try the Willing Hands skill.  And also take a deep breath.

I still have to come up with a list of things I want to work on in therapy.  I’m going to put “not be as willful” on that list.  Maybe that’s something I can work on before bed tonight.  I’m going to label it “Therapy Quests”.  I’m totally okay with being that sort of dork.

As for the Section 8 Housing Voucher, I got it!  For those who don’t know about it, the Voucher covers a fixed amount of money for rent.  Let’s say that amount is $600.  If the market price of the apartment is $900, the Voucher pays $600 and I have to pay the difference of $300.  If the market price is $700, I have to pay $100. However, if I somehow found a place for $600, I would have to pay $75 because they have that as a minimum.  So, no matter what, I pay at least $75 for rent. The $600 is not the real amount, it’s just the amount I’m using here as an example.

I have 120 days from today to find a place.  I can request extensions but I would rather not. I’m pretty stoked.  I’m already looking.  There’s a place in the Major State City that is helping me with applications and stuff. So exciting!  Unless I majorly sabotage myself, I should have my own place by year’s end.

Okay, so I’ve decided I’m going to make my list of Therapy Quests tonight and post it tomorrow.  I think it’d be fun.

I keep getting distracted.  More to come.

-The Sarcastic Autist

Adventure?

I had my last DBT group today.  Everyone said such nice things about me.  I gave Charon the letter I wrote to her and I gave her this joke shaker thingy full of jokes for her.  I asked if she would accept old Chaz and she said yes.  So now Charon has old Chaz.  I don’t know if she’ll actually read any of my posts (hi if you are, hope you enjoy the joke shaker thingy) and I won’t be changing how I write or what I write.  She’s proven to be trustworthy people.  I do talk a lot about stuff that I never talked about in therapy with her, though, and I’m kinda nervous on how she’ll take that.  It’s nothing against her as a therapist or a person, it’s more that I’m a potato and I’m not good at talking about things.

Plus, at this point, nothing she can really do about it. My blog, my rules, my way of expressing things I otherwise can’t express.

I cried when I got home and read the card I got for graduating (again). I cried on the cat and she got upset. I got my blanket and pillow and glasses and cat all soaked. I’m sad and I miss everyone already.  I did share my contact information with people, so it’s not like I won’t be able to talk to them again. I’m still sad, though. The front desk people told me I could drop in and say hi to them when I’m over there for coffee.  They said they’ll miss me too.

I’m trying to accept that I feel sad and that feeling sad is a totally reasonable and okay emotion to feel. I’m allowed to feel sad. I’d known all those folx for a few months now and I got to know them.  I’ve known Charon for near 4 years. I did promise both Charon and the other therapist that runs the group that I wasn’t going to kill myself. So, now I’m not going to kill myself.  I recognize that some people get worried about that.

I’m trying to think of what I want to work on in therapy with the new therapist. I kinda need to know if I’ll even be able to work with her at all, first.  The thing I do know I need to work on is sleep, since my nightmares and night terrors and bad dreams are being bad as of late. My insurance is being a butt about my sleep medicine that I haven’t taken in a few years. The only way I’ve been getting any sleep is by drinking, which we all know is unhealthy.

Kuma-chan said she’d help me make a list if she was emotionally available to.  I understand that she not be because she has a lot going on right now.  I’m okay with it.  I still love her.

I’m going to go ahead and call this a  post so I can go continue to be sad.

Thank you for reading.  You are all such lovely people.

-The Sarcastic Autist