On Life Update

There’s a lot been going on in my life. I live in the city where George Floyd was murdered. The riots were less than 2 miles from my home. I had to relocate due to the smoke and debris in the air and the white supremacists going around. I’ve been staying with my girlfriend, for whom I don’t think I have a set name for yet. I’m going to call her Gecko. Gecko and I have been dating for 6 months now. We’re already talking marriage and moving in together. I don’t mind her touching me. I actually love physical contact with her, which is something I have never liked with anyone.

My mum was dying and is still dying, just slower. She was put into a care facility on hospice basically, but then she lost a bunch of weight and now she’s no longer on hospice. She was allowed to go home a few weeks ago. She’s still a fucking bitch, but we’re glad she’s no longer in the facility because they sucked and also because they had an outbreak of Covid-19 starting.

My top surgery consult is next month. Less than 40 days away. I’m super excited. Gecko said she’ll go with me and she’ll take care of me. Kuma-chan is going to come up when I have surgery and help too. I want to lose some weight for top surgery so I can get the best results possible. This is something I’ll have to discuss with the doctor about first.

My girlfriend and I got rats together. She has two and I have two. We figure, this way, if we broke up for whatever reason, we’d still have bonded pairs each. I doubt we’re going to break up. She let my brother and sister-in-law and their two kids move in as lodgers to get away from our mother. Gecko is an amazing woman.

I am excited to go back to school. I applied and appealed my suspension and got approved. So long as I’m only part-time and not full-time, I can keep my section-8 and section-42. I’m okay with slowly going back so I’m used to school stuff again. Thanks to Covid-19, I can do online courses during my probationary period. Prior, I would have only been allowed to do on-campus courses. Learning more and more about my sensory issues and my problems with academics stemming from my autism, I feel like online courses are my best bet. I got all A’s and B’s when I did online courses previously.

For school, I apparently have to pay $562 from a rescinded loan that Exacerbating Ex had forced me to get. Kuma-chan has offered to lend me $250 to help me. I just paid that exact amount myself. That will just leave $62 dollars. Once I get that paid off, I can register for classes. I want to take an Art class (drawing) and College English. Both are classes I’m having to retake. Spring Term, I’m planning on Maths and Stress Management. If I have any grant money left over, I’ll also attend for the Summer term with a Chemistry class and probably a Biology class.

I have noticed I don’t have as many night terrors when I’m sleeping with Gecko. I very rarely get activated when we’re having sex, too. She’s just such an amazing person.

That’s pretty much it for right now. My attention just died.

Thank you and I hope you are all well.

-The Sarcastic Autist

Exhausted

I don’t even remember the last time I posted.  I’ve been going through so much shit lately.  I asked for some Ativan for my panic attacks and got some. I have been having a lot of panic and anxiety attacks lately.  My mum was sent to the hospital a week after Thanksgiving and she apparently had a super rare infection in her spine.  She went back to the short term care facility/rehab place. Then they sent her to the ER because she was in acute kidney failure. She probably won’t die, it was just really touch and go for a bit.

Speaking of my mother, I realised I don’t love her  the other day.  I told her I loved her and I got that gross feeling in my mouth that I get when I lie.  And now I feel bad because I don’t love my own mother.  Never mind she was an abusive bitch to me growing up. I also know I come to the conclusion that I don’t really care for her every once in a while. I just don’t like feeling like a horrible person for not loving my mum so I kinda just ignore it.

I’ve been dating this one girl from OKCupid. She’s really cool and we have a lot of things in common.  We’ve been talking about getting rats together. I don’t mind her touching me all the time, even just cuddling or holding hands. I feel like I’m touch starved around her ,whereas, with everyone else, I recoil if someone even wants a handshake.

I’m just exhausted though.

-The Sarcastic Autist

Drop Bears, Trauma, & Gender Stuff

Hello, friends!  Wow, has it been a rollercoaster ride these last few weeks. I’m having a really hard time with my depression and PTSD/CPTSD/whatever the fuck is wrong with me lately and have been doing the bare minimum lately.  In addition, I have cramps right now and I don’t even have a uterus, so this is some grade A bullshit.

To start with, I joined a dating app and have gotten a lot of likes.  It’s a real confidence booster.  I’ve gone on a couple of dates and have been chatting with about a half dozen or so different people.  I get really anxious about actually meeting people, though, so there’s that.

I went to the dentist and got misgendered a lot.  The dentist also said some really not cool things to me, mostly about my teeth grinding.  I’ve had tooth pain since getting a couple cavities filled. I’m supposed to go in and get more filled but I don’t know if I want to go back to that dentist or not.

I had a realization after I witnessed someone get their purse stolen and I wasn’t able to do much to help since I’m overweight, out of shape, and have asthma.  Since then, I’ve been working on bettering my diet and getting back into shape.  I refuse to take the elevator, too. That incident was a bit traumatizing for me.

The other day, one of the YouTubers that I really like held a workshop that I went to.  They signed my copy of their book.  It was really fun and probably the highlight of my year.  I also signed up to volunteer at a queer-run library. After the workshop, on my way home, a couple guys started following me onto the tram.  I ran to another compartment and was really freaked out.  They smelled clearly of alcohol. It was very activating for me.

I told my mum I decided not to care if she told her family that I’m non-binary. I’ve been having increasing dysphoria about my body and the idea of going to Thanksgiving stuff and having to hide myself. I don’t like feeling inauthentic.  On that topic, I don’t even like wearing bras at all anymore. I do when I’m home because I have asthma and I get pressure sores/blisters when I wear my binder for too long.  I’m starting to get really antsy and excited about getting top surgery. I can hardly wait until I can get my top chopped.  Yeet the teat.  Guillotine my teeter totters. Toss my funbags. Fire my Mike Wazowskis.

Anyway, yeah.  I’m also working (mostly been brainstorming ideas) on the thing Charon asked me to do.  She asked me to guest speak at her DBT group about how awesome DBT is. I’m mostly wanting to talk about Drop Bears. She really needs to get back to me and clarify what she wants me to say, exactly, otherwise I’m just going to be going on a tangent about how Drop Bears relate to DBT.

Also, I’ve been having more lost time.  I know this because I always flush the toilet and I keep waking up to a toilet that isn’t flushed. It’s kinda gross.  Things aren’t where I left them and since my carbon monoxide alarm hasn’t gone off, it’s not that. I ended up cutting a while back because I couldn’t deal.  On the other hand, I realized all it does it make me dissociate so I’m not sure how I’m going to do in the future regarding that.

That’s pretty much.  There’s a bit more but nothing I want to talk about now.  Thanks for reading.

-The Sarcastic Autist

Fucking Hells

Hey all, sorry I’ve been MIA.  I’ve been really struggling lately. Half the time I feel like I’m in some sort of weird dream state, the other half I’m just so depressed I can barely do anything. I’ve been dealing with a lot of urges to cut.  I haven’t, though. The urge is there.  Honestly, when it comes to self-harm stuff, it’s when I get eerie calm is when I worry more.  I get super panicky or anxious or whatever and have that urge and then I get calm suddenly, like a switch is flipped, and it’s almost like I have no control over myself and I end up cutting.  Still haven’t done it, though, for the record.

Some good news!  I got a Top Surgery Consult scheduled for next year.  My slogan for next year is now “Yeet the Teet 2020” because I like pretending I’m in a presidential campaign.  I think it’s hilarious.  My friend Kuma-chan is getting married next year, too.  She also said that she’ll help take care of me if/when I get my fun bags guillotined.

I was asked to be a guest speaker at my old therapist’s office for DBT related things and I agreed.  I think it’ll be fun.  It’s been making me think more about how my life has changed since doing DBT stuff.

I’ve also been thinking about maybe dating again.  I struggle a lot with my self-worth when it comes to dating.  I don’t feel myself as attractive.  I’m disabled and may never be able to do any sort of gainful work. I can’t really do any homemaking stuff.  I don’t see what I can bring into a relationship outside of conversation. I feel like I’d be more of a burden than a partner.

As for as PTSD and dissociative stuff… It’s also getting worse.  I don’t know how much time I’m losing because I’m trying not to think about it much.  There’s times where I’ll be doing something and then I’m suddenly doing something else.  I’ll be watching an episode of a show and suddenly it’s 5 episodes later. Flashbacks are getting worse. Normally, I’m able to keep at least some sort of grasp on the here and now, but lately… Lately I’ve been getting sucked in more and more.  Last night I was struggling with not slipping back. Sometimes I’ll be doing something innocuous and suddenly I’ll feel the physical sensations of being assaulted. I had a few moments where I was hearing my dad yelling out my dead name.

I’m not doing well. The anniversary of the Thing is coming up again and I’m doing way worse than I was last year. I’m still freaked out about my ex whenever I leave my apartment. My brother told me our da was recently in my town for a Trump rally and now I’m additionally paranoid about seeing him.

My sleep is shite.  I got bags under my eyes. I’m starting to look like a racoon. I feel jumpy as fuck. I force myself to lay in bed, even if it activates the fuck out of me, because I need the rest.

I’m planning on talking to my therapist next week a bit more.  I’ve been telling her maybe one or two more things lately.  I feel like I really need to talk about some of this shit because it’s really affecting me.

Anyways, I’m gonna go read.  Thank you for your time.

-The Sarcastic Autist

Feeling Scared

Hisashiburi, mina! I’m still settling into the apartment.  The cat is with me. I am still seeing that new therapist that I haven’t come up with a name yet for.  I’m going to be trying to start HRT again.  There’s a protest in the new city I’m in that I want to go to.  I have therapy tomorrow, though, so I might not be able to.

I had a panic attack at the store last week, week before.  I was just trying to buy chips and salsa and suddenly I thought there was too many people and so I put them back and I left. I’ve been way more dissociated lately than I normally am.  I’m missing bits of time.  My anxiety has been so bad that I finally relented and asked Styx to start Buspar.  Anytime I leave my apartment, I’m afraid I’m going to run into Exacerbating Ex, and since I can’t remember faces, any white woman who is older and taller than me freaks me out.

I kinda feel like I’m falling apart a bit.  I’ve been having a lot more thoughts of cutting.  I haven’t yet, but the thoughts and feelings are there.  I’m going to be talking to my therapist about it tomorrow.  I wanted to type it up on here first, to get it all out in the open.

There is a lot of stuff I never told Charon because I was afraid to.  While I’m still afraid of talking to the new therapist about things, I’m not attached enough so if she decides I’m lying or whatever, it won’t be as upsetting, probably.

In any case, this is the thing.  When I was a teen, I saw a therapist that thought I had Depersonalization Disorder.  That’s where you feel like you aren’t in your body.  A few years later, a now ex-friend of mine, Bitch Face, told me that she was told she had Dissociative Identity Disorder.  I looked it up and realized that a lot of the symptoms under that, I had.  Significant memory loss, especially during childhood, people I didn’t know acting like we were great friends and calling me by various nicknames, things I didn’t remember getting showing up, being one place and then suddenly being someplace else, things of that nature.

That started me down a dark time in my life.  That’s when I met Exacerbating Ex and she had me convinced of some things that just plain weren’t true, all the drugs and alcohol and the autism didn’t help me stay grounded in reality.  I don’t remember a whole lot from that time, if I’m being honest.  I remember bits and pieces, here and there.  When she kicked me out and I started seeing Charon, I started locking all that down. Charon told me she didn’t think DID existed and I decided I didn’t want to deal with it in any case and decided I didn’t have it, I just had PTSD from the rape and a shitty childhood and that it’s perfectly normal to have the memory loss and the experiences I have had.

When I was seeing Charon, I did stop dissociating as much.  I still did and I didn’t bring it up to her when I did or when I lost time.  I was afraid of being called a liar and that she wouldn’t believe me.  I wouldn’t remember what we talked about in some of our sessions and she’d remind me and I’d just bullshit my way through.  I didn’t always remember filling out the diary card, but there it was.  When I finally did feel like I was in a place to start working on my childhood bullshit, I had to stop seeing her.  That’s okay because I don’t remember a lot of my childhood.  It has more holes than swiss cheese.

The thing is, I feel like I’m in a safe environment for the first time in my life.  So long as I’m in my apartment, I feel 100% safe.  This has never happened before.  My childhood was spent living with both my abusive parents, moving into a house with abusive aunt and uncle and being treated like shit, moving out into a place with just my abusive and negligent mum, then moving in with an abusive ex, then back with my mum.  It’s just me and the cat here.  I don’t feel that constant struggle of keeping myself on guard all the time.

I’m falling apart because of that.  I can’t just toss my emotions into the back of the closet to deal with later anymore because it IS later.  All this shit is coming up again.  I’m losing time more frequently than I had in a long time.  It’s scary.  I’m afraid I’m going down that same dark road I was on all those years ago.  I don’t think I have DID.  I don’t know.  I know I don’t want to have it. I mean, whenever I talked to a professional in the past about losing time and stuff, they’d downplay it or call me a liar.  Hell, people called me a liar even if they weren’t a professional.

I’m just scared right now.  I don’t want to deal with this stuff.  I don’t know if I’d rather be a liar or not at this point. I just know that I’m scared that I’m losing time and I’m scared that I’m losing my mind.

And I don’t know what to do.

-The Sarcastic Autist

I’ve moved!

Okay, folx, settle in, you’re in for a ride.

So much has happened since I last updated.  I’ve moved, my mum came home from rehab and then went back to the hospital and then back home, I had a Pathfinder convention, I made new friends, and I’ve been steadily getting worse with certain aspects of my mental health.

To start, let’s talk about my mum.  She had surgery for kidney stones again over a month back.  It messed with her back and she had to go to a transitional care rehab place.  She finally got home and she got stuck on the couch.  I wasn’t there because I had moved, but I was told she had to go to hospital again and then she came home a few days later.  She finally has a PCA and a home health nurse to help her out.

I went to a Pathfinder convention this weekend.  My friend Luffy and I went together.  He stayed at my new apartment because I live closer to the convention and so he could get a break from his mum.  I had fun and I made some friends.  Also, I realized I don’t like people in my apartment for long periods of time.

I moved on the 15th.  I am enjoying the new apartment.  It’s a brand new complex so I’m the first to ever live here.  I haven’t gone shopping with my housing person yet to get stuff, but I’m sending him a list tonight of things.  It’s relatively quiet.  I hear banging from upstairs sometimes and there’s a dog that barks whenever I’m in the hallway.  It’s really quiet other than that.  I haven’t heard any gunshots or loud drunk people since I moved here.  It’s great.

I have been increasingly anxious.  I had a panic attack today at the store.  I hadn’t had a panic attack at the store in a long time.  I had flashbacks the other day and I’ve had a lot of intrusive memories.

The thing that bothers me most isn’t that stuff though.  I can control whether or not I have a flashback to an extent.  It’s whatever.  I’ve been mostly dissociated since I moved.

The thing that bothers me the most is that I had flashbacks when I was taking a bath and I ended up sitting on my bedroom floor.  I felt like I was very far away and locked in a see-through closet.  I literally felt like I was in a closet and I was banging on the door to let me out and for my body to move.  I wasn’t in control of my actions.  My body was swaying back and forth and doing weird shit.  I couldn’t do anything.  I hadn’t had an episode like that in years.

I don’t know how to bring that up to my therapist because I don’t want her to think I’m crazy.  I might have been able to talk to Charon about it, but I didn’t like talking to her about my weird episodes either.  To be perfectly honest, dear readers, I think I’m losing bits of time again.

And that scares me more than anything.

-The Sarcastic Autist

Stressed AF

I haven’t written in a while because life has been so hectic and I’ve been dealing with a shit ton of stress.

My mum has been in a rehab facility for a few weeks now.  She has kidney stones again.  When they did the procedure to blast one of her kidneys, it fucked up her back and she had to go to hospital.  Until she is able to wipe her own ass again, she can’t come back home.  I don’t want her to come back until I’ve talked to the social worker there about getting supports set up for her at home.  I would like her to at least have a PCA.  I am hopefully going to be moving out soon and my brother works 40+ hours a week doing a very physically tasking job.  My sister-in-law isn’t able to help my mum out with all the stuff she needs help with.

I’ve gained weight because I’ve been eating like shit, drinking like shit, and not exercising.  I’ve also been having more pain, but that’s probably because of my shit lifestyle right now.  The weight gain makes me feel like shit.

I’ve been having a lot of nightmares lately.  I’ve also been having a lot of memories come up and flashbacks and my sleep is utter shite.  I’ve been struggling with staying present and not dissociating.  I’ve been dissociating a lot more often, several times a day, if not all day, and I haven’t a clue how to get myself back on track.  I think part of the reason I’ve been like this is because my mum hasn’t been home and therefore I feel a bit safer.

I’m still waiting on that apartment.  In case I hadn’t described it before, it’s a Section 42, Low Income Housing Tax Credit apartment in a new building.  It’s combinable with my Section 8 voucher.  I got approved by the apartment complex, then by Section 42, and Section 8 has now said I can afford it and I’ve received my estimated rent portion.  I’m still waiting to hear back about the Section 8 inspection.  Once they do the inspection, I can sign the lease and move in.  I have to figure out with my liason guy how the rent deposit thing is going to work.

Speaking of the liason guy, I accidentally got two different housing companies working with me for a bit.  It’s fixed now, but jeepers, that was stressful.  When I originally got the call from Rainbow (fake name) about the Voucher, I hadn’t realized I would be assigned a worker.  I had been working with a different company, Village (also fake name).  So, when I was told that I would be working with someone from Rainbow, I let Village know, but Village didn’t believe me for whatever reason so I had overlapping services.  I feel bad about that still but I’m told it’s taken care of now.

I’m stressed about the apartment.  I have no pots or pans.  I bought some cheap silverware and a bucket yesterday.  It made me feel a bit better prepared.  I don’t really have a lot of cleaning supplies.  I may or may not have a couch, it’s going to depend on how my brother says the couch is.  I don’t have a bookshelf.  I have a lot of books.  I don’t know how to set up utilities.  I’m not sure how much utilities are.

I have a bucket and I have a plunger and I’m good.  I’m trying to be chill about this but it is very anxiety inducing.

I have a Pathfinder convention coming up in a couple weeks.  That’s also stress inducing.  I’m just stressed.  I need a hug.  And sleep.  And some dishes.

-The Sarcastic Autist

Inadequate

I’d been wanting to wait to post until I got an update regarding housing stuff, but there seems to be a delay with the background check or something. I’ve been having a hell of a time and decided to update despite that.

I’m going to continue seeing that new therapist.  I’m going to have to come up with a name for her on here.  She seems nice enough.  I saw her Wednesday, Cybele yesterday, and Styx today.  Been a bit of a busy week for me.

I’m close to having a huge meltdown because of all the shit going on here.  I was looking forward to having chilli for weeks and finally got everyone on board with how we were going to do it and my mum fucked up the beans.  I prepare them a certain way and she decided that she knew better and switched the prep half-way through.  I told her when I found out that I give up and I’m no longer going to make the chilli.  She fucked up, she can tell my brother and she can make the beans.

She tried to say I never told her that when I had to explain to my brother why I didn’t cook the beans.  If she keeps that shit up, I’m going to tell her that we need to get her checked out since she’s having so many memory problems with things I’ve told her.

She’s back to treating me like shit.  She is always praising my brother and my nephew and thanking them for shit and she hardly ever thanks me for stuff.  She doesn’t even tell me she loves me unless someone else is listening.

I just feel so inadequate right now.  My brother can do all these things that are just baffling to me and I’m just… I don’t know what I’m doing half the time.  I get so overwhelmed so easily, even more so now because there’s no escape from the noise.

Nephew is constantly making loud noises, which is legit, he’s 5.  He’s going to make noise.  He just scream-cries a lot and then his parents yell at him and that scares me.  It makes my anxiety go through the roof and I’ve had a few panic attacks and it’s triggering flashbacks and memories of childhood shit.  I can’t deal with this.  I’ve tried talking to them about the yelling and they yelled at me about telling them how to parent their kid.  I feel like I’m being selfish but I’m not tolerating this shit well.

I’ve been having an increase in migraines and such and I’m pretty sure it’s because of the stress of being here.  It’d be helpful if I could leave the house more, but I can’t do much when I get migraines.  Even today I’ve been fighting the pre-migraine nausea.  I’m getting really sick of everyone’s disregard for me.

I’m just holding out to when I can move out.  It shouldn’t be too long now.

I hope.

-The Sarcastic Autist

Brother Problems

I got into an argument with my brother yesterday.  His kid was crying for whatever reason and being fussy and I heard Oniisan and Sister-in-law arguing with Nephew and then I heard what sounded like a smack and heavier crying.  It set me off.  I cried a bit because I was scared.

When Oniisan left their bedroom, I confronted him.  I realize I probably should have waited and I really wanted to, but I figured since I was so activated, I probably should.  I was wrong.  I told Oniisan what I heard and asked if he spanked Nephew and he said no.  I was skeptical, but I said okay and reminded him that there’s no hitting or spanking while I’m here.  He got pissed and started accusing me of telling him how to parent.

I want to say, for the record, I don’t think he hit his kid.  He was too angry to lie to me. If Oniisan said he didn’t, I wasn’t going to push the issue.  However, once he started cussing at me, I told him I was only checking because it triggered me and I had to make sure.  I told him that I recognized that my PTSD issues are mine to deal with, but could he please be considerate and not talk to me the way he was.  If he couldn’t, I wouldn’t talk to him.  Boundaries.

He couldn’t, so I went to my room.  I haven’t talked to him since.  I overheard him complaining later that I was telling him how to parent.  I was not.  I was very explicit that I wasn’t telling him how to parent.  His kid, his rules.  My rules are no hitting and spanking is hitting, so he has to figure something else out.

I spent all day in my room avoiding everyone because I didn’t feel like dealing with that disaster yet.  I’m planning on telling Oniisan that I’ll just stay in my room if something like that happens again.  It kind of sucks.  I used to have such an idealistic view of my brother and now I realize I don’t even know him.  They are all virtually strangers.  I think I probably just idolized him because he’s my big brother and the only one who consistently was nice to me growing up.

He’s kind of an asshole, now.

-The Sarcastic Autist