Is This Dysphoria?

Okay, so I’ve been in a lot of pain again today, but I figured I might as well come on and give a real report since I don’t think I’ve done that in a few days and I know I have a couple of comments to reply to.

Pain sucks.  I just want to say that straight off the bat.  I try not to judge anyone for their pain experiences because it’s a very subjective thing.  That said, I’m having a lot of issues with a few of my friends right now.  Not because they’ve done anything wrong, they’re wonderful people, it’s just that… they can say things thoughtless things sometimes.  One of them, a few weeks ago, was complaining to me about menstrual cramps.  For real, I think cramps suck, no matter what kind of cramp.  I have been diagnosed with whatever the fancy doctor term for ‘super bad, debilitating cramps and heavy bleeding because the gods hate this person’ is.  I’ve had really bad charlie horses.  I get migraines.  I prefer migraines over this pain.

Anyway, this friend was venting about cramps and bleeding, because it fucking sucks, even if it’s just ‘normal’ menses shit.  But then she says that she sometimes wishes she was infertile so she wouldn’t have to deal with it.  Again, I love this friend, she is very near and dear to me, but that was just one of the most ignorant things she has ever said.  Infertile/sterile/barren people can still get periods, first of all.  Second of all, she probably just forgot, but even if I was a straight, cisgender woman, the likelihood of me being able to have my own biological offspring is next to impossible.  Yeah, the thought of a baby growing inside freaks me out like it’s from some Lovecraftian Eldritch Horror dimension, but I still kind of think it was a thoughtless thing to say.  It hurt my feelings.

To explain why it bothers me, I should say it’s probably an issue about choice.  On one hand, it’s my choice to not have children.  I love kids, but no freaky parasite thingy for me, thank you.  On the other hand, my body decided on its own to not have kids, without my conscious decision.  So, even if I wanted to have kids, I would have to jump through so many hoops and even then, it would be very unlikely.  I don’t have a choice in the matter.  It’s also probably a control issue, but that’s neither here nor there right now.  (probably is, since my eating disorder is just barely this side of not completely out of control, but I’m choosing to ignore that).

I get why my friend would say something like that.  I understand.  I’m still upset, especially since I have all this other shit going on now, even though she said that before I saw my gyno and the hysterectomy was looming imminent on the horizon, like a giant nuclear mushroom.

My other friend, whom I also love dearly, said something that just pissed me off.  I was in a chat with her and this other friend of ours and we were all complaining about cramps and pain and I mentioned mine is because endometriosis and PCOS, probably, and she sent a screenshot of an acupressure/acupuncture thing.  Which, cool, she’s just trying to be helpful, I really hope that was for our other friend mostly.  The friend who sent it said it was also for endo and I just logged off because I was about to go on a tirade of how I’ve tried just about everything and if this was a thing that actually worked, I’m pretty sure one of the many doctors I’ve fucking seen already would have mentioned it.

I’m not saying that acupressure/acupuncture don’t work.  I do a few acupressure things to help with headaches, sinus congestion, stuff like that.  It can work, legit, it’s just, this is something I’ve been dealing with for years.  I’m already dealing with a lot of shit trying to get it treated.  I wanted to vent to my friends, not get peddled a ‘fix’.  It felt invalidating.  Instead of just listening, she went “here’s a thing you should try”.  I just wanted “I’m sorry you’re going through this right now.  I’m here for you”.

I know it sounds like I’m complaining and I kinda feel like I’m just being a bitch, and I probably am.  I also have had just a really rough day gender wise.

Let me tell you about that now.

So, I woke up with my cat meowing in my face, because she loves me so much.  (I don’t actually know why she was meowing in my face, just that she was.  I’m pretending it’s because she loves me.)  Got dressed.  Immediately felt fat.

And that’s when I knew it was going to be one of those days, even though I tried to ignore that feeling.

I managed to get through my language studies alright.  Now, something I think you should know is that I tend to wear a bra when I’m just around the house.  Wearing a binder for extended periods of time can mess up your ribs and breathing and shit, so I try to take breaks, especially since I tend to wear my binders for excessively long periods of time.  Like, often 12+ hours excessive.

After I finished studying, I started reading Rethinking Normal, a memoir about a transwoman.  Reading it got me thinking about the Orphan Black episode I saw last night.  In Orphan Black, the premise is basically clones.  One of the clones is a transman.  So you have this one actress playing all these clones, including this trans clone, and as I was watching it, I got a sudden panic that that was how people saw me, some chick playing at being a guy.  Reading Rethinking Normal set off that panic again, that people saw me play-acting, especially since I’m non-binary.

It also gave me huge issues with my boobs again and the panic wouldn’t subside until I put on a binder.  I feel better having changed, but now I feel worse.  I kind of relate to Katie Rain Hill, who the memoir is about, at the same time, I have been having a lot of thoughts about transitioning in general, more-so now that the very real possibility of having to get a hysterectomy is out there.

Getting a hysterectomy means getting a surgery.  I don’t know if I want to go ahead and remove my one remaining ovary yet.  If I don’t, that means I have to get another surgery down the road.  If I do, that means hormones, whether that be T-Juice or estrogen stuff.  If I had to choose, I would rather be stuck fully taking a lot of testosterone compared to ever having to go back on estrogen/birth control stuff.  To me, the mental aspects just aren’t worth it.  Besides, I kinda consider my T-Juice to be my anti-depressant now.  It doesn’t make me suicidal or depressed or moody like the birth control did.

A hysterectomy, with or without an oophorectomy, also means I could gain weight.  There’s medications out there that are guaranteed to help me that I refuse to take because of the weight gain.  If I was even 10 pounds less than what I am now, I would be more open, but no.  I don’t want to gain weight.  I refuse.  Which is pretty fucked up if you think about it, because I’m basically saying I would rather be in utter agony than risk gaining weight.

I’ve had thoughts of cutting, drugs, purging, going out and doing excessive exercise even though I know it would cause me a lot of pain…. Honestly, all that just to get my mind off feeling the way I do.  To get myself out of my head for 5 minutes and stop feeling like an imposter and like an ugly fatass with no prospects because I can’t have kids and can barely function, if you call what I do functioning.

I need to take a shower but I’m putting it off because I’m not looking forward to having to wash myself.  I hate my disgusting, fat, ugly body with the boobs and vagina and I honestly just want a penis sometimes.  Although, I would probably hate that too.

-The Sarcastic Autist

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So much pain

I have pain. So much pain. I had to stop halfway through doing dishes and just crouch down and breath, trying not to cry or curl up into a little ball.

Hate pain

Hysterectomy Worries

It’s been a while since I actually sat down and tried to type up a post.  It probably won’t be a long one since I’m distracted.

I still don’t know what I’m going to do in terms the hysterectomy.  I talked to my hormone doctor yesterday and she is going to have a guy call me to ask me questions so we can figure more out what I’m looking at in terms of what I’m willing to do.  I’d rather not just go and do a hysterectomy, mostly because it’s taking an organ, but also because if it’s the same thing that it was at the beginning of the year, with cysts forming and bursting and causing internal bleeding, taking out just the cervix and uterus is gonna do jack shit.  I’d have to get my remaining ovary taken out and if I get that taken out, I’m either going to be on testosterone or estrogen for until I hit menopause age.  Since my mum has the bone stuff, I’m at an increased risk of it.

If the surgery was just another laparoscopic procedure, go in there and get the gunk out, I’d be a lot less hesitant.  There are some very real long term consequences of this, long term medical consequences.

And then, the only time I even got pregnant was from the rape.  The idea of being pregnant freaks me out because that is just not for me, but also the only time I’ve ever had the chance was from such a terrible thing, it’s fucking with me.

In other news, I had a grilled cheese using my vegan cheese and it was the first time in years I had a grilled cheese and it was so good I was so happy.  I can’t wait to be able to have another one tomorrow probably.  I got to use this cheese or freeze it so it doesn’t go to waste.

Thanks for reading.

-The Sarcastic Autist

Almost Capable

I am reading The Name of the Wind and ignoring the panic and flashbacks that keep threatening to overwhelm me. Because book. And because I’ll be damned if I don’t at least pretend I can handle myself.

Every time I leave the safety of my book, I start getting overwhelmed and fuck that. So I’m reading. Books are my friends.

Broken Thing

Tomorrow is the anniversary.  I don’t know how I’m feeling except bad.  And I feel bad that I feel bad.  I’m just trying not to think about it much.  I have Dungeons and Dragons and I have to do laundry and I’m going to do my best not to let it run my day.  I got shit to do.

I wish I had someone to talk to right now.  I mean, I do, but I wish I had someone in person to talk to.  Someone that wouldn’t mind just listening and not trying to give me advice.  Just listen.  I want someone to just listen and hear me and not try and fix it.  Sometimes, all I feel like is a thing to be fixed, a broken, fucked up thing and that’s why no one wants to be with me or be my friend for too long.

I don’t like feeling like that.

-The Sarcastic Autist

Orphan Black

I’m watching Orphan Black and I’m going “please be gay please be gay please be gay”. It would make me very happy if she was gay.

I woke up later than I meant to today. I had to go to the store and it snowed last night and snowed a bit more today. I needed sweet n low for my coffee otherwise I wouldn’t have gone.

My face pain and my pelvic pain have equalised where the pain doesn’t bother me. This can be my new treatment plan for my endometriosis. Every time I get pain, I can get a new piercing or tattoo or body mod. That way, I can avoid surgery. It’s a perfect plan. (Sarcasm)

I’m still doing research on the surgery and also any other surgery I may want. I don’t want top surgery or bottom surgery. I have no desire for those. So basically, there’s no need for any gender confirmation surgery at this point.

I need to do laundry.

I’ve been thinking a lot about trauma related stuff today. I’ve been trying not to. Lots of stuff in my head that I could type better on the computer. I’m not on the computer though.

Blegh

Watching Orphan Black. Also pierced my tongue and lip today. I’m in pain for that. I’m kinda meh on most things right now because of everything with the endometriosis and probably needing surgery soon and trying to wrap my mind around that. I want ice cream.

Pelvic Pain Problems

I hope you all had a chance to vote this election!  Getting out and voting is important if you are legally allowed to vote (in other words, not a felon).  I did an absentee ballot and found that was easier because I was able to take my time and do research on who I wanted to vote for.

I’m sorry I didn’t post yesterday.  I had a long day.  I had a gyno appointment and then I went shopping for me and my mum and then I went shopping with Luffy because he needed groceries and I have plenty of food and he just lost his job.  If I needed help, I know he would help me.  Anyway, I was out real late and by the time I got home and showered and got ready for bed, it was time for sleep.

I can’t remember if I mentioned it, but I’ve been having pain and bleeding since I started trying exercising again (just some light core work, ignoring my ankle issues).  It’s gotten real bad these last few days now that I’ve dropped below 165 again.  Every time I go below 165 pounds, I get really bad pelvic pain.  I’d been having random spot through bleeding and some mild cramps so I’d been planning on going to the doctor, but then I got really bad bleeding and pain a week or so back.

So I went to my gyno.  I don’t have a lot of options left.  One option is to live with the pain and bleeding and stuff.  Another is do pain management stuff, which I’ve done before and it got me nowhere.  The last option is a hysterectomy.  I’ve decided I’m going to talk to my HRT doc and Cybele, my gender therapist, and see if they have any recommendations for pain management providers within the University of Minnesota.  I’m also going to see what their insight is in regards to this sort of thing and HRT and stuff.  If I get a hysterectomy, I’ve already decided I’m probably going to stop the testosterone.  I don’t want to over masculinize and a huge reason I even started it was as a last ditch effort to prevent needing surgery.

Obviously that did not go as planned.

There’s not much I can do right now except research what my few options are.  I really wish I could talk to Charon about this because I’m real sad and upset but I don’t see her for a couple of weeks since she has a personal thing next week she has to take care of.

I wish I had Flapjack to talk to about this stuff.  She’d understand, in a roundabout way.  Oh well.

I’m going to go read a bit and probably sleep.  I’m tired.

-The Sarcastic Autist