blech

I’m a wreck.  I got a call from the allergist and they said I have no allergies.  Which makes no sense because I had a test a few years ago where I had several allergies.  I don’t know what happened between then and now, and I feel like I’m being called a liar or that I had lied to everyone for years about this.

I’m really upset.  Because they were saying it’s just food sensitivities.  But what the fuck.  People who are lactose intolerant can still have cheese and lactose free stuff.  I can’t even use inhalers with milk protein in them because I get sick.  The flu shot with egg makes me sick.  I have Oral Food Allergy syndrome with several fruits and vegetables, which would only make sense if I’m allergic to the corresponding pollen.  I get anaphalaxys when I have nuts (okay, and one time I started doing it with kiwi, it sucked, used to love kiwi).

If I’m not allergic to any dust or pollen or anything, why is it hard to breathe outside right now?  The fuck is going on with the itchiness and runny nose and shit?  It would make sense to be allergic.  People without allergies don’t have these symptoms so the fuck is going on with my body?  Why can no one answer my questions about these things?  The allergist people want me to go see a weird integrative health doctor.  I looked her up and talked to a receptionist about it.  Because I don’t know the fuck this doctor was about.

A glorified nutritionist.  They want me to see a glorified nutritionist.  I won’t see a glorified nutritionist. I won’t see any nutritionist because any idiot can call themselves one. For fucks sake, I’m not even seeing the dietician I was before.  My issue isn’t not eating the food itself, it’s why can’t I eat it? I hate being vegan.  Vegan cheese is terrible.  I’m not fond of soy products.  If I’m not allergic, it’s not fair that I can’t have them.

I’m not understanding any of it and no one is helping me understand what’s going on and I’m crying because I’m so frustrated.

Alright, I’m also frustrated from yesterday still.  I am so fucking pissed off at myself for being unable to really talk about the thing.  I just..

I hate everything.  I feel like a shit person and I don’t want to do anything anymore and I hate everything and don’t want to talk to anyone and I hate myself.

I’m not suicidal or anything, because that would take a lot more effort than I’m able to give right now.

I’m just done.

-The Sarcastic Autist

PET start

Hello, people of the internet.  Um. So.  I started the Exposure Therapy today.

I fucking hate it.

Entire time I was trying not to spaz/stim too much.  Because holy crackers on toast, I was not expecting it to fucking suck so much.

Mostly I wasn’t expecting myself to be so difficult.  Couldn’t answer the questions too well.  I really don’t like thinking about it much and I shut down after remember the first bit.  When the bad stuff happened, I just like… shut down.  Blocked everything out.  I’m real good at that.  Dissociating, yeah?

I’m going to do better next week.  But I already feel done.  With everything.

I would rather just be able to type it all out since I really suck at answering questions.  I do it at the doctors too.  I have to write down a list of symptoms and explain that it’s really hard for me to answer questions without stumbling over everything.  Don’t know why.  I think it’s stupid.

I’m just kinda upset with myself.  Like, Jesus FUCK, dude, why you do this?  I told myself I could totally do this, no problem, everything is good.  I’m good.  I’m awesome.  I got dis.

I did not ‘got dis’.  I had the opposite.  I’m just like… why.  WHy did I freeze up and start to shut down.  What the fuck.

Oh well, continuing it next week regardless of my current personal feelings towards it.

I get to do “breathing retraining” this week as homework.  It’s breathing exercises 2-3 times a day for 5-10 minutes.  Charon tried to get me to do some today for 10 minutes and I told her that 10 minutes was a long time (After about… 3 minutes).  I’m not good at sitting still and doing nothing.  I get bored easily.

Give me credit though, I didn’t day dream or get distracted.  I mostly just focused on breathing in… and breathing out… In…out…in…out…

I hate breathing.  So much do I hate breathing right now.

Oh well.  It’s fine.  It’s all good.  Daijoubu.  Kyouki no heisei.  The Serenity of the Madness.  It’s all good.  It’s fine.  Kyouki no heisei.  Yes, that is my new mantra or whatever.

kyouki no heisei.

Flapjack is being a doll about it.  I feel bad for her.  I’m a hot mess of a potato pancake.

Whatever.  I need to get off and do something mind numbing.  Been dealing with flashbacks and shit since therapy.

-The Sarcastic Autist

Sorry I hadn’t been on again.  I’m going through a lot of shit right now.  Charon cancelled on me on Monday, so I didn’t have therapy.  At least you guys didn’t miss that disaster yet.

Flapjack (the chick I’ve been dating) and I had a date night last night.  It started out great, and then we talked about my lack of a job and being on disability.  I know it’s a deal breaker for some, and I also know that I’m not going to be on disability for the rest of my life, hopefully, anyway.

I hate myself right now.  I’ve texted her a few times and she’s read the texts but she hasn’t responded.  The conversation last night got pretty intense because we both know it could easily be 5 or more years until I’m done with therapy and school stuff.  So, yeah, long term stuff was what we were talking about.

At the same time, she talks about suicide all the time.  It’s very hard for me to imagine pass her birthday because that’s when she says she’d do it.  I know it’s just me redirecting right now, because I know I’m a shit partner.  It’s sad and disheartening.  Like, all the reasons we wouldn’t work out long term are because of me.

She deserves better than me.  I know it and she knows it.  That’s probably why she’s been avoiding me. Because she doesn’t want to break up with me yet.  I don’t know.  I’m feeling very emotional and I don’t know what to do.

I’m going to lay down again and be all emo.

-The Sarcastic Autist

Exposure Therapy: Start!

I really suck at actually doing posts now.  I’m thinking I might do them in the mornings when I’m waking up rather doing them at night.  I’m normally talking to Flapjack at night or reading now.  Been going through about a book a day.  Sometimes it takes longer, depending on the size and how how busy I’ve been.

I did see Charon last week.  She’s doing better.  She’s without crutches, which makes me happy.  I’m glad she’s doing okay.

I’m going to be starting the Exposure Therapy stuff today.  Although, honestly, at this point, I don’t know if I should start with the Thing or if I should start with my ex.   I hadn’t realized how much her abuse affected me until the nightmares I’ve been having are mostly about her.

I think it could be because I’m going to be talking about the Thing, and when I told my ex about it, she didn’t believe me.  SHe didn’t believe me about a lot of things.  Like my allergies.  (I ever tell you guys she poisoned me with peanut butter?  That was fun.)

A huge issue I’ve been having is the fear of not being believed.  It’s kinda stupid.  But considering that I’ve had recent experiences with being told that what I’m saying isn’t true, I guess it’s understandable. The allergy doctor I had been seeing told me that no, I can’t be allergic to milk because I don’t go into anaphylaxis when I have it, I just get really super sick.  Even though I can’t even have normal inhalers because of the milk content.  (Recently switched to the only 2 inhalers with no milk in them.  I’m no longer gassy or bloated or sick when I take them.  I’m so happy about that.  That and being able to breathe better.)

Just in case any of you are wondering, yes, I have switched allergists.  And yes, this new one actually listens to me.  After having complained to several of the medical personnel at the clinic with the old allergist, I learned that he gets a lot of complaints, especially from women.  So that validates my feelings that I’m not just overreacting and the guy was actually being a douche.  I didn’t go scorched earth either.  (Scorched earth is a saying that apparently means doing everything in one’s power to destroy the opponent.)  To me, that means not having a major melt down or shut down.  It means that I used my words to describe how he made me feel to a different person in power and got a referral to someone who wasn’t a dick.

Back onto the Exposure Therapy thing.  (I’m gonna level with you, I feel like I’m going to be put on a list for that.)  Honestly, part of me just wants to do it and get it over with because part of the reason I haven’t been doing any yoga, besides ankle problems and breathing problems, is that I get flashbacks whenever I do it.  It’s ridiculous.  Like, why?  Why can’t I have this one thing???

Anyway.  I don’t know.  I’ve been up since around 3 because I’ve been having nightmares and because I’m super anxious about today. Maybe I just need to take a deep breath and remind myself that I got this.

I can do it.

Oh.  Before I forget.  I was reading a book yesterday and this quote has stuck with me from it.  “Find the Tranquility in the Madness.”   So I’ve been reminding myself “Tranquility in Madness”.  It’s kind of like my new mantra.  Whenever I’m getting anxious since yesterday, I use the Japanese translation (Kyouka no heisei) as a breathing tool.  Even when everything is insane, I can still be calm.  Remember that post I did many moons ago about the Bird in the Waterfall?  It reminds me of that.

Tranquility in Madness.  Tranquility in Madness.  In. Out.  In.  Out.  It works out pretty well for me.  I’ve even been writing it down on my skin.  I’m thinking maybe I’ll get a tattoo of it.

Anyway.  I’m going to go ahead and get off.  I may be on later to work through what I did in therapy.

Later peeps.

-The Sarcastic Autist

Not Special

So, Yes.  Again.  Here I am.  I’m sitting on my bed typing this.

I guess it’s not really much of a revelation, even though it is.  I was thinking about the anxiety and fear I have about going forward with ACTUALLY getting shit done in therapy.  I’m done pussy footing around the issues I have.  But it also got me thinking about what’s so special about me that Charon chose me to be her Stage 2 client.

And it hit me.

I’m not special.

Sure, I’m special to some people.  Flapjack and Kuma-chan, for example.  But in the grand scheme of things, only a few people would miss me.  So I’m really not all that special.

That doesn’t mean I’m not worthy of getting to a point where I don’t have to keep secrets locked up inside me.  Just because I’m not special, doesn’t mean that I’m not allowed to be loved and accepted and cared for.  It doesn’t make me any less than other people.  Because I am not less.  I am not more important and I’m not less important.  I just am.  And right now, I am hidden, in a way.

Like, not hidden hidden.  But more like, reserved.  Not emotionally open or available.  A locked up heart.  Forcing myself to be smaller and allowing myself to be shackled to the secrets and shames of my past.

Did I tell you guys I’ve adopted a No Shame policy?  I go through everything I do, trying not to be ashamed.  Doesn’t always work that great.  But I’m getting there.  By refusing to talk about the Thing, to work on getting beyond the point of being scared of everything, I’m only proving that I’m still ashamed.

Sure, I’m also still ashamed about the Autism stuff.  I’m finally gaining some self-awareness involving that.  However, that’s pennies.  I’m talking about the big stuff that’s holding me down, you know?

I don’t really know what else to say.  I don’t feel like I’m being particularly coherent right now.  I’ve not been sleeping well.  Nightmares and all that.  Besides, this was a mini rant brought to you by random thoughts.

Have a good one, my friends.

-The Sarcastic Autist

Friend is very sick

Welp.  I just got news that one of my friends on here is in bad shape.  juanspinkelephant is having a lot of major issues.  I’m poor as all fuck right now, and I normally don’t do this sort of thing, but if any of you could donate a few bucks to them, that’d be great.  The gofundme if any of you are interested.

I literally just read the post from them, so I’m kinda like, still a bit in shock and sad.

Um… I think I had something else to say, but honestly, I’m not into it right now.  More just kinda trying to keep it together.  Get grounded and all that.

Later.

Sick so 6 mini rants

Okay people.  I got more stuff to rant about today.  Albeit, not as much as I did the other day.

Thing 1.  I don’t know what’s going on but I’ve been eating something or not taking the right medications and my body is going “nope” and my butt has become a biological warfare weapon that would probably violate the Geneva Convention.  I don’t know what the fuck is going on, all I know is that I’m trying to figure it out.  I’m halfway hoping it’s just another cycle of butt problems since I was just constipated.  (Endometriosis or too much greasy foods.)  It sucks and maybe it’s my sleep has been so gods damn fucky that my body is retaliating and instead of vomiting, it’s just diarrhea.  My head also has been hurting, so maybe it’s dehydration or a migraine coming on or something.  It all sucks.

Thing 2.  I had upset Flapjack when I had my shut down the other day because she felt useless and couldn’t do anything and that reminded her of one of her exes.  I get it and we talked about it, but at the end of the day, between a shut down (nonviolent) and a melt down (violent), it’s better for me to have a shut down.  I can steer myself better towards having a shut down instead of a melt down now-a-days, but getting pushed too much can still drive me into a melt down and I hate those with a passion.  I’ve no real control.  It sucks.  And people are like “no, you totally legit have control over yourself, you’re just choosing to have a tantrum” and I’m like “NO!  A melt down is not like a tantrum!  It’s when I’ve become so overwhelmed with stuff and get so emotional and not heard or understood that I need space and to leave me alone that I lash out, trying to make everything quiet and still.  I’m not in control.  I’m a rabid animal acting out of desperation.  It’s scary.  I don’t like it.”  People, especially Neurotypicals, seem to tend to want to downplay it.  To blame me. Yes, it’s my responsibility, but don’t you dare say that I’m in control.  That you understand.  Bloody gits.

Thing 3.  I don’t know if it’s because I’m paying more attention to my autistic traits or if I’m actually acting more autistic, but I’ve been having to ‘stim’ a lot more lately. It makes me feel terrible and out of control and I’m not quite ashamed, but almost.  The fidget cube Kuma-chan got me is great for helping me with that, to be honest.  Still, I find myself chewing on my lips more despite chewing gum all the time and I’m constantly moving my wrists or flicking my fingers near my face or tapping my collarbone.  It’s getting annoying.  In addition, I will randomly say “no” and hit my head.  What the fuck.  Why do I do this?  I notice it’s more when I’m really anxious or stressed, but it makes me feel like a spaz attack and a half.  I don’t like it.

Thing 4.  Fucking allergist.  Fucking allergies.  I got a call this morning to schedule with a different one (a lady this time, so hopefully I’ll get along with her better.  I find doctors who are men tend to go “you are an adult, act like one.  And if you don’t, I will treat you like a child because autism doesn’t exist and you are just a petulant brat who doesn’t listen.” and they don’t pay attention to me when I tell them my symptoms).  It really tends to piss me off.  Anyway, that appointment is on the 6th of June, the day before I have an appointment with Charon, the day after I have an appointment with the Pulmonologist.  Bible study is out for the summer.  Next year, we’re thinking about watching the Nooma videos with Rob Bell.  I like him.  I’m still not Christian, but I like the community.

Thing 5.  I’m having issues with my eating disorder stuff again.  Which is stupid.  I mean, I get it.  I know that I do it when I’m stressed and I illogically think of it as a better solution than say, drugs, but it still isn’t healthy.  Then again, I’m starting to be convinced that nothing I do is healthy and I should just stop while I’m behind.  Alas, I’m an Adventure/Pirate, and that means gritting my teeth and powering through until I get to where I need/want to be.  I’m wearing a size 10 (a bit snug, but more like perfect fit verse sausage casing).  Anything above that, I have to wear a belt with.  Which, on one hand, coolio, on the other hand, blech.  It’s getting too hot for me to be wearing all my layers, so I am trying to see what I can cut out and how I can keep the metal buttons on my pants from touching me.  (Nickel allergy)

Thing 6.  Probably the last thing.  One of the last things.  I’m not so much depressed as maybe bored and listless.  Maybe a little depressed, I don’t know.  I’m trying to come up with a few new gods I’d like to research because I feel like my time with the Dagda and Gaia as my patrons have come to an end.  I’m looking more towards Norse and Japanese/Shinto mythology.  I’ll have to see who I end up liking.

Well, I think that’s it for now.  Not much else to report on.  I’m just chilling and being myself for right now.  Today, since I’ve had so much else going on this week, I’m planning on just relaxing and not doing anything.  I have a date with Flapjack sometime this weekend.

Ta for now,

The Sarcastic Autist

Allergies, Nightmares, and Flashbacks

I’ve been sick.  So very stupidly sick.  I guess maybe sick isn’t the right word, but I’ve been having a rough go of it lately.

Allergies are terrible.  I’m finally getting the worst of the symptoms to go away, but just barely.  Asthma is horrid too.  Surprisingly, I started a corticosteroid inhaler despite the reactions I’ve had to cortisone in the past and I’ve had no reactions.  After some research, it seems that I’ve just really sensitive skin and the one corticosteroid inhaler I’ve had in the past had some nut protein or something that could have caused the reaction.  Which still sucks.

Not that it matters much.  Did you know that most inhalers have lactase in them?  Yeah.  That’s why I always felt sick and bloated and gassy when I used my inhalers before.  I can’t speak for itchiness because I’m almost always itchy somewhere to some degree.  So, since I’ve not been having any negative reaction to the Qvar (the only control inhaler that doesn’t have that milk protein) and combivent (the only rescue inhaler that doesn’t have that fucking milk protein), I’m doing a lot better breathing wise lately.  Still plugged up and congested.

I started seeing an allergist to try and get my allergies under control.  I hate this dude.  Okay, I guess ‘hate’ is a really strong word.  I don’t like him.  He makes me feel bad.  Like, okay, yeah, legit, he’s a doctor and might know what he’s doing.  But he’s patronizing and I keep shutting down when I see him.  So I requested a referral to an allergist that doesn’t make me feel that way.

He was arguing with me about my allergies.  He was saying that I’m not really allergic to milk or eggs, it’s just an intolerance.  I was like, dude, I just fucking got tested for allergies back in 2015.  Since I cut out milk and eggs, I’ve felt better.  I don’t get as bad itchy hives.  I don’t get smelly farts and bloating and nausea and vomiting and brain fog.  I can move and breathe better.  He wasn’t listening.  Patronizing fuck.  Hate him.  Scratch that, hate his attitude.  (I’m really struggling with Loving-Kindness and compassion for this guy.  I am also having a hard time using DBT skills.)

Quite honestly, a huge issue I have is that seeing this dude sets me off.  I get unreasonably angry when I feel I’m not being listened to and I shut down.  I used to get violent and lash out, but I am glad that I at least have managed not to do that.  At the same time, I’ve come a long way and it’s been so long since I’ve had bad shut downs like this.  I had to see him yesterday because Flonase gives me bad drip and chest congestion and the drip made me want to not eat (struggling with eating disorder stuff right now) and the chest congestion made it hard for me to breathe.  I kept coughing and it was a deep chest cough, you know, the kind that leaves you wheezing and feeling like you just have a huge bunch of gunk all up in there?  Yeah.

This asshole told me that Flonase doesn’t cause that.  Bull. Shit.  If it didn’t, I wouldn’t have gotten better a few days after stopping it.  I’ve used it in the past and it didn’t do shit besides make me feel terrible.  Gives me a headache too.

So yeah, anyways, yesterday when I got home from seeing him, I went and ranted to Flapjack (girlfriend), a bit to Mama Bear (2nd best friend, Kuma-chan (firstest best friend) and Cthulhu Bait (3rd best friend) and my mum, struggling to stay out of a full blown shut down, and ended up just going to bed super early.  By like, 3 or 4 in the afternoon.  I got up for a few minutes a few times, but I pretty much stayed in bed until around 8 or 10, where I got up to take meds and a shower and give Neko-chan her night food.  Then stayed in bed until around 3:30, 4:00 this morning.

My sleep has been such bullshit lately.  I’ve been having so many nightmares and a few times of sleep paralysis and I’m pretty sure I’ve been having some seizures.  Which is also bullshit.

My nightmares.  Oh my various heathen gods, I wish my nightmares were at least consistent.  Like, maybe just dream about Exacerbating Ex or that Douchenugget from the Thing.  But no.  It’s not that simple.  So let’s start with the ones from Exacerbating Ex.

This chick was not physically or sexually abusive at first.  It was mostly emotionally and verbally.  Which is to say, I got a lot of shit for random things.  A lot of gaslighting.  Which made me feel insane.  In my dreams, she threatens me.  She’s helps people hurt me or rape me.  She yells.  Calls me a liar.  Tells me that I’m fat and no one will ever love me and I’ll end up like my mum.  That she’s going to call the police and get me in trouble.  Or she beats me up.  And when she beats me up, it’s always with Bitchface, another ex girlfriend/ex friend.

Bitch Face is another one that gets me.  She had threatened to kill me and that was the end of that friendship.  Although I still wanted to be her friend for the longest time after.  Last I heard, she was starting to hang out with Exacerbating Ex.  (Keep in mind, we all belonged to a very small community of complex PTSD survivors, so it sort of makes sense that we would all end up knowing each other even though I went to highschool with Bitch Face.)  Now, I think that the number one reason that I keep having these nightmares is that I’ve never worked through the abuse with Charon.  Who I was supposed to see yesterday but she’s still out for a couple weeks longer since her surgery was invasive.

But it’s also because I’m so gods damn gullible.  I’m trusting.  Rather transparent.  Honest.  And I’m not the best when it comes to judgement.  I like to think that DBT has taught me to stand my ground and be like “Hey, this is not okay and I don’t want to be friends with you”, but like… Autism.  I don’t trust myself.  I’m just no realizing that I’m pretty much stuck being this… person.  I can barely take care of myself living with someone else.  I tend to isolate and only go out when I need something.  I don’t socialize well.  Stuff like that.  So I keep thinking I’m going to be lulled into a false sense of security with Exacerbating Ex and/or Bitch Face and get hurt.  I don’t doubt for one second that, should I ever see them again, they will be very verbally and physically aggressive.  That’s just the type of people they are.

And the other nightmares are of the time I was living with my aunt and uncle.  That was such a shitty time too.  I was constantly treated like less than and told that I didn’t live there, that wasn’t my home, it was only temporary.  I was always yelled at and told I was wrong and called fat.  I got hit a few times.  Their kids were aboslute shits to me and my mum and brother.  And I got blamed for it all.

I had a lot of bad behavioural problems at this time too.  It makes sense, looking back on it.  I was uprooted from one abusive household to another.  But this one was loud.  I never had quiet me time alone from everyone else.  There was no escape.  I went from being mostly at a special behavioural school with a few classes mainstream to a regular school fully mainstream.  (This ended up changing to about half mainstream and half special education classes after a meltdown that ended up with me in a sort of juvie place and court).

My nightmares involving family are rough.  Because I dream of having those violent outbursts again.  I’m not that person anymore.  I don’t get violent.  I’ve worked really hard to become a better person.  But they tear me down and get in my personal space and are just so fucking condescending and just… I can only take so much.

I also have nightmares about my da.  About living back in that shit house with him again.  It’s filthy.  He’s always drunk or high and he gets physical.  The mail box is always full of letters that I never got, bills I never saw, and it’s overwhelming for me in my dreams to try and take care of it.  I’m also endlessly cleaning.  Always cleaning.  Everything is piled high and several dreams involve there being a literal dump in the house.  My mum just yells at me to keep cleaning.  My brother is sexually abusive.  Those dreams are horrid too.

I know those dreams are because I’m afraid of having to go back to my da.  He’s a fucking douchepurse.  I haven’t talked to him in years.  My mum also is constantly blaming me for things and she’s always done that.  Everything is my fault, according to her.  And, much as I hate to admit it, my brother molested me when I was younger.  I’m sure he didn’t really mean it, being a year older and all and him and I not having many friends or being allowed out much (although he was out with friends a lot more than I was).  I’m like, 80% sure he didn’t realize and probably doesn’t realize how much it has affected me over the years, although I’ve tried to talk to him about it.  Maybe it was a bit harsh of me to accuse him straight up of rape.  I apologized.  Whatever.

The other dreams I have are about the Thing.  Where Jackoff the Douchefuck raped me with his friends.  Those are awful.  I wake up and I can still feel it all happening.  I try to tell myself I’m safe and everything is okay and fine, but I don’t feel fine.  I feel like I’m going to see him and he’s going to look at me and remember and hurt me again.  I’m afraid of going to certain parts of the woods/park because of it.  I’m afraid of getting assaulted again.

Yeah, I know that wasn’t the first or last time, but to me, it was the most violent.  Probably because I couldn’t see that well. (wasn’t wearing glasses because I had just started needing them and didn’t like them).  That was just the time that sticks out to me the most.

It’s really bad because I will be masturbating (ain’t no shame in that) and suddenly I’ll have a flashback and feel filthy and tainted and hate myself and feel like crying.  How am I supposed to have sex with anyone if I can’t even touch myself?  I don’t even need to be doing that.  Sometimes, yoga will trigger a flashback.  Which is so freaking stupid.  Like, why.  I thought I had moved beyond having flashbacks multiple times a week.  It’s been over 10 years, after all.

I’m also struggling with eating disorder stuff right now.  I’m really wanting to restrict and I’m trying hard not to.  I’m not seeing the dietician anymore.  I felt like it was a bit of a waste of time and she was weird.

In other news, I sent in my passport application and it should be here by July 8th.  I’m still working on my Japanese.  Been sleeping like shit.  Oh, I read the Kingkiller Chronicles, well, the first 2 books anyway, since the 3rd isn’t out yet.  First one was a little over 700 pages, second one was 1107 pages.  I read the first one in a little under three days, the second in 2.  Because I hate myself.  Not really, I did that because I had wanted to finish them so I could talk to Charon about some of the thoughts I had about it and how I thought it pertained to me.  Still.  Holy shit.  Big books.

I’ve been going to the library pretty regularly.  It gives me lots of chances to get exercise and socialize a bit with the librarians.  It’s a small library.  I think a bit smaller than the entirety of the apartment.  But that’s okay.  I can always order books to be shipped in from other libraries.

Not much else to say right now, I guess.  I ranted for a while.  Thanks for listening.  Sorry I’m so irregular with posting. It’s been hard.

-The Sarcastic Autist

Asthma

Because of you have to sick at something, why not breathing?

I’m having a real hard time with my asthma and allergies. Very hard to breathe half the time.  I’m thinking about going to see my asthma doc and seeing what he says.

In the mean time, lots of drugs and no adventures. Which is depressing.

Anyways, not breathing proper makes me tired. So, my renewed vigor for this blog has diminished into just breathing.

Still, I’m going to try my best.

-the sarcastic autist

A TidBit on Love

Okay, let’s talk about love for a moment here.  I don’t know what love is like for a non-autistic, or even for most autistics.  Pretty much, I know what I feel and that’s that.  That and what I’ve seen on the tellie or read from books.

So, let’s start out by saying, I fall hard.  I tend to fall fast too.  And then I get weird and co-dependent and it really is awful.  Don’t want that to happen this time.  Lots of boundaries.  Redrawing of boundaries.  Discussing of boundaries.  Communication of everything.  Openness.  Honesty.  Authenticity.

And I feel like a school girl, still.  The thought of Flapjack makes me smile and I only want her happiness and I want my happiness too.  Healthy and happy.  For the both of us.

Also.

I’m trying just to get back into the habit of blogging.  And Charon is out for a month with her surgery.  And I am feeling anxious and alone.  I never realized how much I liked just getting out once a week.  I’m going to try and go for more walks when the allergens outside aren’t as bad.  So many drugs for my allergies this year.  So many.  Also weird cramp things randomly.

I’ve noticed something in this relationship though.

Before, with my Ex-fiance (Yes, I was engaged to that bitch for a bit), I would say “I’m doing this for you because I want to” because I was seeking love and acceptance and belonging, even if I didn’t necessarily think what I was doing was good for my health, like letting her hurt me for drugs or lying to people or stealing.  She actually encouraged me to do these things.  Convinced me that it was normal.  That she loved me and so she was trying to “fix me” and get me to do what she wanted me to.

With Flapjack, I say no to things I’m not comfortable with and, while I seek approval on some things, it’s not for love and acceptance and belonging, it’s more of a second opinion on something and then we can discuss it.  And when I say “I want to do this for you because I think it’d be fun”, I say it because I’m curious and I actually want to do it, and she never asks me to do anything that’s dangerous to my health.  She’s always letting me know that I can say no.  And she loves and accepts me for me.  Which is a weird concept for me.

And how can you not love someone like that?  Who is compassionate and kind like that?  Who does have some flaws because we all do, although I accept and love her in spite of them.  She’s a pretty amazing girl.  I can’t wait to meet her in the flesh.  Because right now all we do is text.  She lives in England after all.

Anyways.  Night meds are kicking in.  Thanks everyone for being here and being awesome.  Especially juanspinkelephant and ToadieOdie.

-The Sarcastic Autist