Hey all! So, I’ve been trying to figure out why I blame myself for stuff emotionally, even if I know logically that whatever it is isn’t my fault. What core inner beliefs do I have that, even if they are 100% lies, cause me to go through a whirlwind shitstorm of should’ve, could’ve, and would’ves?
- I should have known better than to be out late at night.
- I should have known better than to engage in conversation with a clearly inebriated man.
- I should have fought harder.
- I should have run.
- I should have screamed or yelled out for help.
Let’s go through the process of killing these lies that I tell myself.
First off, I’ve been out late at night tons of times since then (Although never in the park alone.) I had been out late at night tons of times prior to that. I’ve only gotten attacked that one time. A one off. Yeah, it was fucking terrible and terrifying and I’m obviously still trying to work on dealing with it. And it was also just one time. A horrible time. But once.
Second off, I did grow up with an alcoholic drug addict father. Whether I talked to him or not when he was drunk, it didn’t matter. He would get mad regardless. He was unpredictable. So, engaging in conversation with an inebriated person was sort of a normal thing. Better talk to them rather than ignore them. Otherwise it would be worse. Totally understandable that I would stop and be polite.
Third. I had undergone years of anger management at this point. I had a lot of anger growing up. Mostly displaced emotions that got expressed through physical outbursts. I still like physically expressing emotions by touching or hitting or spazzing out. It gets rid of that energy. Also, like I stated before, I grew up with an alcoholic drug addict father. The best course of action with him was not to run because that made everything worse. If I could run and hide physically, that was great. I could hide until he passed out and when he woke up he would forget. If running away wasn’t an option, then becoming as compliant as possible was the next course of action. Compliancyemeaning retreating far into the deep recesses of my brain where I couldn’t/didn’t have to process what was actually going on.
How does the compliance with my alcoholic father and the years of anger management relate? I had no reason to be angry. (I know otherwise now, I had and still have every right to be as pissed off as I want to.) I was told that it was my fault that my dad was a drunkard. Or it was my fault I got hit. I shouldn’t have done that or been there or said this. When I expressed (whether effectively or not), how unfair it was or how I wasn’t comprehending why it was my fault, when I got mad and frustrated because no one would listen to me that my dad was hitting me and my mum was hitting me and touching me in ways I didn’t like or my brother was touching me weird or anything, I got in trouble. “That’s not happening.” “You’re making things up.” “Stop antagonizing them.” “Maybe if you behaved.” “Getting mad isn’t helping.” “Stop fighting and you won’t get hurt as bad.” “You deserve to get hit because it’s the only way you listen.”
I act out, I got blamed. My actions, yeah, I don’t like that I acted out so much as a kid. I don’t like that I was angry and hurt. I had every right to be. No one listened to me. I was forced/brainwashed into believing that I was responsible for how others treated me. To further clarify this to you, dear reader, I was explicitly told that I deserved it when I got hurt because I clearly did something wrong. It didn’t matter what the context was. It was my fault.
So, fighting back beyond the initial attempt… I just did what I was trained to do. Take a step back mentally and stop fighting.
Fourth on the list. I guess it kind of ties into number three. Fight or flight wasn’t an option since I was brainwashed into freezing and dissociating.
I guess number five also ties into number three’s explanation.
In tomorrow’s episode (or later tonight, I don’t know, I keep getting distracted), I will go through and take those blaming statements and turn them around. So I stop blaming myself.
-The Sarcastic Autist