I don’t know what the fuck my problem is that I can’t fucking open my mouth and speak. I’m very upset with myself because I tell myself I can do it and then bloop there goes my words.

Maybe this week I need to focus on talking like how I want and stop trying to speak like people want me to

Also gonna have to try speaking about the thing aloud by myself. If I can say it when I’m by myself, I should be able to do it in therapy next week.

Honestly, one of the reasons I think I have a hard time talking about these things is because my dad would beat me when I made a fuss about things or do it to convince me not to talk to anyone about what was going on at home.

Don’t talk to anyone because you’ll get in trouble. You’ll get taken away and raped over and over again if you do. You won’t have your dogs.  You won’t have your mum or your brother or your books. No one will let you go to the library.  No one will believe you anyway. It’s your fault. Stop being a brat. Stop crying or I’ll give you something to talk about. 

Basically, keep it all bottled up because no one gives a fuck and it’s probably my fault anyway.  My mum will blame me for things if I’m not where I’m “supposed to be”. Or if I’m somewhere she doesn’t like.

And then there’s the fucking mormon thing. I’ve been reading a lot of stuff from exmormons and I’m like… I didn’t have a choice. I was no longer temple worthy because of the thing and to top it all off, I was gay. It was leave or deal with their bullshit of blaming me and excluding me even more. It sucked.

I’m just really upset with myself. I hate shutting down.

Emotion Regulation Revelation

I did have therapy today but we didn’t do the in vivo exposure thingy or whatever, where I’m supposed to recount my rape in present tense.  Mostly because I did not want to and decided that listening to Charon speak was 100% better than talking.

However, despite that, I did end up talking with her a bit about Emotion Regulation and how it finally hit me what it is.  For some backstory on this revelation, I had been browsing reddit and came across a post from one of the Autism subreddits I frequent.

There are hills worth dying for in life. I tell the staff in my room that meltdowns are like our bad days. We can drop our coffee walking into work, get pissed, curse a few times, and then get over it. Our students can have Wheaties instead of Cheerios (a small change can throw off an entire day) and they’ll come in and be hitting people, yelling, and throwing chairs. We would all love to throw chairs when we have a bad day but we have the emotional regulation that tells us that would be a bad idea. In that moment the students lack emotional regulation. It’s not about us. We just happen to be the responsible adults in the room. Sometimes you just need to throw a chair, chill out on a bean bag, drink some water, then clean up your mess (if you destroy my classroom, you clean it up).  -skittles_rainbows

Tada, I did it.  I think.  I have no idea if that link stuff is good or not.  I hope it works for you.  The comment was on a thread about ABA therapy, which terrifies me.  But skittles_rainbows really made emotion regulation understandable for me.    It’s an important thing to know.  That makes me sound really childish, but I don’t care.

I got a dick pic sent to my facebook on Saturday.  (Note: Henceforth, triggers are going to be known as Activators because I don’t like the term and it goes nicely with my Activated instead of aroused thing.)  It really Activated me because of prior sexual assault involving oral sex.  I did tell Charon about the dick pic, but skirted around telling her of the assault thingy.

I had a full blown flashback and managed to calm myself down, but then I got Activated again by doing the SUDs thing because I’ve been going down by the river to the isolated spots where there are lots of places someone could jump out at me or hide until it’s too late for me to notice them.  Anyway, so I got activated because there was a bunch of men down at this one spot and there was a beer can and so many people and I just could. Not. Do. It.

I felt bad.  That I didn’t do my homework for one day.  All things considered, I think I’m doing stellarific on this.  Charon even commented how well I’m doing at “internal adjustment”.  Also, apparently I’ve got a pretty easy face to read.  I wouldn’t know because I only see myself in the mirror or in pictures.

Oh.  And one more thing.  Session recordings.  I have to listen to myself talk about the rape thingy.  Which I don’t even talk about.  I just build up the suspense and pretend not to cry.  I don’t cry, but I’m also pretending I’m not.  Don’t question it, just go with my illogical logic thingy.

I don’t know.  It’s been so freaking hot lately and I got my first ever sunburn yesterday.

Have a good one.

-The Sarcastic Autist

(TW) Trauma Recovery suuuuucks

Okay, you know what the number one big thing with Exposure therapy is?  Repeating the trauma over and over and over and over again.  Ideally, you would get to repeat it at least twice during each session.

I managed once.  One time.  Barely.  I didn’t even talk about the actual rape bit, just the bits leading up to it.  I hate it.  I hate it so much.

So Friday and Saturday I spent my time coming up with a spell and ritual to help me get through it.  I managed quite well wording the spell and setting up the ritual all specific.  I even managed to pick out Tiger’s Eye to use as my talisman.  I remember all the words to help me get through the trauma.  Stupid magick rock didn’t help.  I wanted to go through it all and wam bam thank you ma’am be done.

No.  My magick rock only helped me not become a total basket case.  It worked well for grounding me.  Anyway.

So I got a fit bit last week, right?  Charge 2.  My friends and I are doing the challenges together and I am finding myself to be rather competitive with it.  I’m not normally a competitive person.  And I’m also finding that, since I didn’t get my steps in before therapy, it’s a good motivater to leave the house to prevent isolation and to help me process what I did in therapy.

I am so, numb, almost?  Kind of.  I’ve sort of slipped into a dissociative state part way through session. Not what I had planned.  I was rubbing my forehead trying hard not to stim with the head hitting or ear pulling or hair pulling too much.  I know for a fact I ended up saying my ‘r’ sounds wrong at one point.

Maybe I should practice saying the thing out loud this week in addition to the homework.  It’s really hard for me to talk about.  I wrote it down last week because I thought that would be easier, but I did gloss over the actual rape bit.  Mostly because that memory is foggy.  Because I slipped out during it.  Eh.  I’m just waiting for my phone to charge a bit more, right now, to be completely honest with you guys.

I’m a sac of anxiety and nervous energy.  The homework is to listen to my recounting once a day and to do 2 things on my SUDs sheet.  SUDs, since I don’t think I mentioned it before, is Subjective Units of Distress.  It’s a list of things that I avoid or that give me high anxiety and are rated on a scale of 0-100.  My goal is to get through my bottom two (least anxiety inducing things) every day this week.  What you do for that is you go do whatever is on your list ( like isolative spots and trees/tall grass/ hidey hole places) and stay there/do the thing until the anxiety passes.  It’s a great way for me to go out to get my steps for my fit bit so I can beat my friends at the challenges.  I’m also doing this because I want to move on in my life and stop avoiding everything that causes me any little amount of stress.

My magick rock is suppose to help me overcome it.  Also, for the SUDs thing, I’m supposed to rate my anxiety before and after doing the PET (Prolonged Exposure Therapy).

When I listen to the recording of session, of the recounting, I’m supposed to allow myself to get in with the emotions of the thing or something.  I don’t know.  I forgot what I was talking about.  Anyway.

I’m going to go out now and try and get my steps in.  And hopefully not hate myself completely.

-The Sarcastic Autist

Exposure Therapy-Session 2 (again)

Hello, Everyone!  So, I’ve been weighing under 160 for 3 days in a row now.  I really want to get down to at least 155, so I’m within normal range. I also got a fitbit today so I can do challenges with my friends.  There’s nickel in the band and I’m so friggin itchy.  I got the charge 2 because it has guided breathing.  I actually like the guided breathing with the watch.  Probably because it gives me an excuse to play with my new toy.

I’ve been having a lot of little flashbacks lately.  I want to call them mini flashes.  They only last a moment and then I’m stuck with the feelings for a while after.

There was a creeper that was at the library and then at the store who followed me and kept bothering me.  He had honked at me when I was walking and he was driving a van.  It scared me.  I had anxiety attack but not a full blown panic attack.  It was close though.  In the store.  It was surreal.

Like, even now, I’m pretty much just zoned.

Did you guys know that part of exposure therapy is repeating, in detail, the trauma over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again?  Did you also know that I suck and verbalizing things?  Especially that.  And when I close my eyes right now, I have a hard time.

Blech.  Of course, I’ve been up since 2 in the fucking morning.  I could just be really vulnerable to being activated.   My head hurts right now and I’m sick of everything.

-The Sarcastic Autist

Session Recording Review-Part 1

So, I listened to part of the session recording.  About half.

And I’m done.  I’m not in a place where I can finish it tonight.  Maybe tomorrow.

I took notes.

I’m feeling… Slightly dissociated.  But not too bad.

Oh, I had been dissociated for a majority of yesterday, but then I realized I was so I forced myself to go to the store without sunglasses and to be mindful and stuff.

But my goodness, It was also a hoot listening to me. “I like fish, but not touching.  Because that’s gross.”

I’m super special.

-The Sarcastic Autist

Trauma Recovery Sucks

I am sick and tired of Stage 2 already and we’ve only had 2 session regarding it.  Talking about this shit is bring shit up to the surface and I’m having a lot more flashbacks and anxiety attacks (no full blown panic attacks yet) and nightmares.  I hate it and I’m about to flip my shit.  Seriously.

Okay, so I told her about the Thing, yeah?  Basically the gang rape shit.  But then I accidentally let slip about the other things.  Molestation type shit.  Ya know?  I didn’t mean to do that.  I didn’t want to tell her because it’s not that big of a deal.  At least, I keep telling myself that.

Then again, maybe I did want to tell her.  I didn’t really because I was worried that, if I told her, she would drop me as a client and make me see someone else.  She wouldn’t be able to deal with my bullshit.

Honestly, it came out because I mentioned how I’m easily manipulated because Autism.  You would think that I would be a better judge of character and dangerous situations, but I keep thinking that shit wouldn’t happen again.  That THIS person isn’t an asshole and wouldn’t force me to do anything that I didn’t want to.

The Thing wasn’t the first time I was assaulted or anything, it was just the first actual penetrative thing.  Most violent.  All the other times, it was a gradual slip into it.  So it’s easier for me to brush it aside as ‘normal’.  This one.  This one was scary and sudden and I had no preparation for it.

I dunno.  I’m kinda just… Done.  I don’t want to do this anymore, but at the same time, I just want to get it done.  If I do this now, I won’t have to deal with it later.  Get it over and done with so I can move on with my life.

In other news, I don’t really have other news.  I’m trying to work this thing out with the bank because Exacerbating Ex had stolen a lot of money from me and apparently I owe the bank nearly 300 dollars that I hadn’t known about.  I had let her handle a lot of the finances and I regret that now.  The bank told me to call the PCA place that handled the PCA stuff for Exacerbating Ex and I and tell them about it because Exacerbating Ex had been my PCA when she was doing all the abusive stuff.  For the most part, anyway.

I haven’t called yet because it makes me anxious.  I also need to call the IRS so I can get statements of my exemption for filing taxes, so I can finish FAFSA paperwork.  I need to call the county about case management again too.  It all feels too much so I keep letting it go.  I’m getting overwhelmed a lot lately.

Back to therapy though.  So, Stage Two DBT is Trauma Recovery and we’re doing Exposure Therapy.  I’m supposed to be doing a SUDs thing this week.  SUDs stands for Subjective Units of Discomfort.  It’s on a scale of 0-100.  And what I’m supposed to do is make a personal scale for stressful things.  Like, 0 would be listening to music and reading a book.  100 would be the Thing.  50 would be going to the market.  That sort of thing.

So I’m making a list of things that make me anxious and rating them 0-100 on how they affect me.  When I’m done, I’m going to order them in terms of least anxiety inducing to most anxiety inducing.  It’ll be a bit easier to brainstorm and then make everything nice and tidy.

I should really blog more.  It makes me less anxious and it gets all the yuck and anxiety out.  I always feel a bit better after doing so.  I just haven’t been that motivated lately and I’ve been avoiding doing things.

-The Sarcastic Autist

blech

I’m a wreck.  I got a call from the allergist and they said I have no allergies.  Which makes no sense because I had a test a few years ago where I had several allergies.  I don’t know what happened between then and now, and I feel like I’m being called a liar or that I had lied to everyone for years about this.

I’m really upset.  Because they were saying it’s just food sensitivities.  But what the fuck.  People who are lactose intolerant can still have cheese and lactose free stuff.  I can’t even use inhalers with milk protein in them because I get sick.  The flu shot with egg makes me sick.  I have Oral Food Allergy syndrome with several fruits and vegetables, which would only make sense if I’m allergic to the corresponding pollen.  I get anaphalaxys when I have nuts (okay, and one time I started doing it with kiwi, it sucked, used to love kiwi).

If I’m not allergic to any dust or pollen or anything, why is it hard to breathe outside right now?  The fuck is going on with the itchiness and runny nose and shit?  It would make sense to be allergic.  People without allergies don’t have these symptoms so the fuck is going on with my body?  Why can no one answer my questions about these things?  The allergist people want me to go see a weird integrative health doctor.  I looked her up and talked to a receptionist about it.  Because I don’t know the fuck this doctor was about.

A glorified nutritionist.  They want me to see a glorified nutritionist.  I won’t see a glorified nutritionist. I won’t see any nutritionist because any idiot can call themselves one. For fucks sake, I’m not even seeing the dietician I was before.  My issue isn’t not eating the food itself, it’s why can’t I eat it? I hate being vegan.  Vegan cheese is terrible.  I’m not fond of soy products.  If I’m not allergic, it’s not fair that I can’t have them.

I’m not understanding any of it and no one is helping me understand what’s going on and I’m crying because I’m so frustrated.

Alright, I’m also frustrated from yesterday still.  I am so fucking pissed off at myself for being unable to really talk about the thing.  I just..

I hate everything.  I feel like a shit person and I don’t want to do anything anymore and I hate everything and don’t want to talk to anyone and I hate myself.

I’m not suicidal or anything, because that would take a lot more effort than I’m able to give right now.

I’m just done.

-The Sarcastic Autist

PET start

Hello, people of the internet.  Um. So.  I started the Exposure Therapy today.

I fucking hate it.

Entire time I was trying not to spaz/stim too much.  Because holy crackers on toast, I was not expecting it to fucking suck so much.

Mostly I wasn’t expecting myself to be so difficult.  Couldn’t answer the questions too well.  I really don’t like thinking about it much and I shut down after remember the first bit.  When the bad stuff happened, I just like… shut down.  Blocked everything out.  I’m real good at that.  Dissociating, yeah?

I’m going to do better next week.  But I already feel done.  With everything.

I would rather just be able to type it all out since I really suck at answering questions.  I do it at the doctors too.  I have to write down a list of symptoms and explain that it’s really hard for me to answer questions without stumbling over everything.  Don’t know why.  I think it’s stupid.

I’m just kinda upset with myself.  Like, Jesus FUCK, dude, why you do this?  I told myself I could totally do this, no problem, everything is good.  I’m good.  I’m awesome.  I got dis.

I did not ‘got dis’.  I had the opposite.  I’m just like… why.  WHy did I freeze up and start to shut down.  What the fuck.

Oh well, continuing it next week regardless of my current personal feelings towards it.

I get to do “breathing retraining” this week as homework.  It’s breathing exercises 2-3 times a day for 5-10 minutes.  Charon tried to get me to do some today for 10 minutes and I told her that 10 minutes was a long time (After about… 3 minutes).  I’m not good at sitting still and doing nothing.  I get bored easily.

Give me credit though, I didn’t day dream or get distracted.  I mostly just focused on breathing in… and breathing out… In…out…in…out…

I hate breathing.  So much do I hate breathing right now.

Oh well.  It’s fine.  It’s all good.  Daijoubu.  Kyouki no heisei.  The Serenity of the Madness.  It’s all good.  It’s fine.  Kyouki no heisei.  Yes, that is my new mantra or whatever.

kyouki no heisei.

Flapjack is being a doll about it.  I feel bad for her.  I’m a hot mess of a potato pancake.

Whatever.  I need to get off and do something mind numbing.  Been dealing with flashbacks and shit since therapy.

-The Sarcastic Autist

Sorry I hadn’t been on again.  I’m going through a lot of shit right now.  Charon cancelled on me on Monday, so I didn’t have therapy.  At least you guys didn’t miss that disaster yet.

Flapjack (the chick I’ve been dating) and I had a date night last night.  It started out great, and then we talked about my lack of a job and being on disability.  I know it’s a deal breaker for some, and I also know that I’m not going to be on disability for the rest of my life, hopefully, anyway.

I hate myself right now.  I’ve texted her a few times and she’s read the texts but she hasn’t responded.  The conversation last night got pretty intense because we both know it could easily be 5 or more years until I’m done with therapy and school stuff.  So, yeah, long term stuff was what we were talking about.

At the same time, she talks about suicide all the time.  It’s very hard for me to imagine pass her birthday because that’s when she says she’d do it.  I know it’s just me redirecting right now, because I know I’m a shit partner.  It’s sad and disheartening.  Like, all the reasons we wouldn’t work out long term are because of me.

She deserves better than me.  I know it and she knows it.  That’s probably why she’s been avoiding me. Because she doesn’t want to break up with me yet.  I don’t know.  I’m feeling very emotional and I don’t know what to do.

I’m going to lay down again and be all emo.

-The Sarcastic Autist

Exposure Therapy: Start!

I really suck at actually doing posts now.  I’m thinking I might do them in the mornings when I’m waking up rather doing them at night.  I’m normally talking to Flapjack at night or reading now.  Been going through about a book a day.  Sometimes it takes longer, depending on the size and how how busy I’ve been.

I did see Charon last week.  She’s doing better.  She’s without crutches, which makes me happy.  I’m glad she’s doing okay.

I’m going to be starting the Exposure Therapy stuff today.  Although, honestly, at this point, I don’t know if I should start with the Thing or if I should start with my ex.   I hadn’t realized how much her abuse affected me until the nightmares I’ve been having are mostly about her.

I think it could be because I’m going to be talking about the Thing, and when I told my ex about it, she didn’t believe me.  SHe didn’t believe me about a lot of things.  Like my allergies.  (I ever tell you guys she poisoned me with peanut butter?  That was fun.)

A huge issue I’ve been having is the fear of not being believed.  It’s kinda stupid.  But considering that I’ve had recent experiences with being told that what I’m saying isn’t true, I guess it’s understandable. The allergy doctor I had been seeing told me that no, I can’t be allergic to milk because I don’t go into anaphylaxis when I have it, I just get really super sick.  Even though I can’t even have normal inhalers because of the milk content.  (Recently switched to the only 2 inhalers with no milk in them.  I’m no longer gassy or bloated or sick when I take them.  I’m so happy about that.  That and being able to breathe better.)

Just in case any of you are wondering, yes, I have switched allergists.  And yes, this new one actually listens to me.  After having complained to several of the medical personnel at the clinic with the old allergist, I learned that he gets a lot of complaints, especially from women.  So that validates my feelings that I’m not just overreacting and the guy was actually being a douche.  I didn’t go scorched earth either.  (Scorched earth is a saying that apparently means doing everything in one’s power to destroy the opponent.)  To me, that means not having a major melt down or shut down.  It means that I used my words to describe how he made me feel to a different person in power and got a referral to someone who wasn’t a dick.

Back onto the Exposure Therapy thing.  (I’m gonna level with you, I feel like I’m going to be put on a list for that.)  Honestly, part of me just wants to do it and get it over with because part of the reason I haven’t been doing any yoga, besides ankle problems and breathing problems, is that I get flashbacks whenever I do it.  It’s ridiculous.  Like, why?  Why can’t I have this one thing???

Anyway.  I don’t know.  I’ve been up since around 3 because I’ve been having nightmares and because I’m super anxious about today. Maybe I just need to take a deep breath and remind myself that I got this.

I can do it.

Oh.  Before I forget.  I was reading a book yesterday and this quote has stuck with me from it.  “Find the Tranquility in the Madness.”   So I’ve been reminding myself “Tranquility in Madness”.  It’s kind of like my new mantra.  Whenever I’m getting anxious since yesterday, I use the Japanese translation (Kyouka no heisei) as a breathing tool.  Even when everything is insane, I can still be calm.  Remember that post I did many moons ago about the Bird in the Waterfall?  It reminds me of that.

Tranquility in Madness.  Tranquility in Madness.  In. Out.  In.  Out.  It works out pretty well for me.  I’ve even been writing it down on my skin.  I’m thinking maybe I’ll get a tattoo of it.

Anyway.  I’m going to go ahead and get off.  I may be on later to work through what I did in therapy.

Later peeps.

-The Sarcastic Autist