Asthma

Because of you have to sick at something, why not breathing?

I’m having a real hard time with my asthma and allergies. Very hard to breathe half the time.  I’m thinking about going to see my asthma doc and seeing what he says.

In the mean time, lots of drugs and no adventures. Which is depressing.

Anyways, not breathing proper makes me tired. So, my renewed vigor for this blog has diminished into just breathing.

Still, I’m going to try my best.

-the sarcastic autist

A TidBit on Love

Okay, let’s talk about love for a moment here.  I don’t know what love is like for a non-autistic, or even for most autistics.  Pretty much, I know what I feel and that’s that.  That and what I’ve seen on the tellie or read from books.

So, let’s start out by saying, I fall hard.  I tend to fall fast too.  And then I get weird and co-dependent and it really is awful.  Don’t want that to happen this time.  Lots of boundaries.  Redrawing of boundaries.  Discussing of boundaries.  Communication of everything.  Openness.  Honesty.  Authenticity.

And I feel like a school girl, still.  The thought of Flapjack makes me smile and I only want her happiness and I want my happiness too.  Healthy and happy.  For the both of us.

Also.

I’m trying just to get back into the habit of blogging.  And Charon is out for a month with her surgery.  And I am feeling anxious and alone.  I never realized how much I liked just getting out once a week.  I’m going to try and go for more walks when the allergens outside aren’t as bad.  So many drugs for my allergies this year.  So many.  Also weird cramp things randomly.

I’ve noticed something in this relationship though.

Before, with my Ex-fiance (Yes, I was engaged to that bitch for a bit), I would say “I’m doing this for you because I want to” because I was seeking love and acceptance and belonging, even if I didn’t necessarily think what I was doing was good for my health, like letting her hurt me for drugs or lying to people or stealing.  She actually encouraged me to do these things.  Convinced me that it was normal.  That she loved me and so she was trying to “fix me” and get me to do what she wanted me to.

With Flapjack, I say no to things I’m not comfortable with and, while I seek approval on some things, it’s not for love and acceptance and belonging, it’s more of a second opinion on something and then we can discuss it.  And when I say “I want to do this for you because I think it’d be fun”, I say it because I’m curious and I actually want to do it, and she never asks me to do anything that’s dangerous to my health.  She’s always letting me know that I can say no.  And she loves and accepts me for me.  Which is a weird concept for me.

And how can you not love someone like that?  Who is compassionate and kind like that?  Who does have some flaws because we all do, although I accept and love her in spite of them.  She’s a pretty amazing girl.  I can’t wait to meet her in the flesh.  Because right now all we do is text.  She lives in England after all.

Anyways.  Night meds are kicking in.  Thanks everyone for being here and being awesome.  Especially juanspinkelephant and ToadieOdie.

-The Sarcastic Autist

Miserable Allergies.

Okay, my allergies are kicking my ass so bad this year.  I don’t think I can see myself being super productive.  Ganbarimasu!  I’m going to try my best anyway.

I’m hungry right now.  At least, I think I am.  I may just be thirsty.

I feel miserable.  I am not coping well with these allergies.  I spent all day being itchy.

I’ve got nothing else.  Just miserable and drugged up.

-The Sarcastic Autist

Stupid Anxiety

Oh anxiety, how I hadn’t missed you.

Why am I anxious suddenly?  I almost had a panic attack earlier.  Deep breathing, mindfulness.  It was panic, and not just from overloading of the senses.  Genuine anxiety.  Why?  What was it that set me off?

I woke up after having so little sleep (went to bed around 2 and got up at 5:30).  Morning routine of brushing teeth, wash face, put on clothes, coffee, oatmeal, piece of toast with soynut butter, meds, play games, study.

I had decided I was going to go for a walk today and take pictures for Flapjack and go to the library and go to the store on the way home.

I left too early and the library wasn’t open yet, so I went to the thrift shop and then I got a slushie from the gas station and then I went to the dollar store and got some cool and cheap stuff.

I went to the library when it opened and got some books and went to the store.

Came home, put everything away and peed.  And changed my clothes because allergies.  And I talked to Flapjack and Kuma-chan a bit and read before I finally passed out again around 2:30/3:00 and got up again at 6:00.  (All PM.)  Woke up sore as all heck

Dorked around, now I’m anxious again.  Why am I anxious?  I’m shaky I’m anxious.

So stupid…

-The Sarcastic Autist

Short Thingy

Okay, I’m tired and have terrible hiccups.  I’m going to make this one super short, more as a reminder for me (and to help me get back into the habit of blogging).

I’ve been feeling super anxious lately.  Not 100% sure why.  I’m meditating on it.  Been getting back into reading again.  Nightmares about the ex.  Allergies are terrible.

Me and Flapjack are doing okay.  I’m really comfortable around her and I like that.  She makes me happy.  She also doesn’t try to change me and is very conscientious about my needs and is very accommodating.  I like that.  It’s a nice change from the abusive asses I’ve dated in the past.

I’m trying really hard to get my sleep on a normal person schedule, but I keep wanting to stay up all night and sleep during the day.  I’m just a naturally nocturnal person.

Okay, I’m nodding off.  Bye all.

-The Sarcastic Autist

Presentness and Tiredness

Hey all!  I replied to everything (I hope).  I feel like such a shite person for leaving everything off for so long.  I just read one of my old posts and it’s like it was written by a different person.  I was also taking sleep meds at that point.  But it was very uplifting and comforting, in a way.

I talked about how the past is clay that was already put in the kiln and fired and the present is the clay I’m working with and the future is all the possibilities that I could shape the clay.  I kind of want to add to that real quick.

Sometimes we think something from our past is one way, when it was really another.  It can be an earth-shattering realization.  An example being that, it’s not my fault that my dad is a dick and my being gay has nothing to do with that.  The past was one way but now I see it different.  It’s like the pottery was broken and I got to put it back together using gold, like the Japanese do with that one thing.  Perception changes and all that.

Also that I can’t change the past and I can only work on me in the Present.  I keep forgetting that too.

I have been staving off a panic attack and I don’t know what I’m feeling panicky about.  Oh well.

I’m tired.  Off to bed because I’m taking Zantac for allergies and that knocks me out.  Did you know Zantac is used for allergies?  Apparently my Zyrtec is only an H1 inhibitor and my doctor wants me to try an H2 inhibitor too.  And Zantac is an H2 inhibitor.  And it also makes me sleepy.

Stay rainbow-licious.

-The Sarcastic Autist

Lost & Broken

Hey, I’ll work on replies and everything tomorrow.  Tonight I just kinda need a place to vent and not worry about being nice or polite.

I feel like I kind’ve been in a sort of half-shutdown half-depressed sort of state.  I’m able to enjoy things and have fun, but anything that means bettering myself or making a Life More Worth Living freezes me in my tracks.

I’m not even trying anymore.  I laugh and joke and read my fun fiction books about zombies, but put forth no effort in getting a case worker again or filling out the endless forms for housing and such.  Charon has really been pushing me to get a case worker to help me out with all this stuff.the last time I had a case worker in this county, she was very mean to me.

Charon says I need to get out of my mother’s place.  No argument there.  I have no faith in my ability to take care of myself.  I manage okay when living with someone else, but I clash a lot too.  I need to pick up my room and I have no idea where anything goes anymore.  I’ve been struggling to keep up with laundry enough so that I can have clean socks and underwear.

I totally binged on junk food today.  Lent being over means I got my scales back and the scale is within normal range of what I was before, give or take.  So I got that going for me at least.

I also got all these people telling me how inspirational and wise and resilient and special I am and how kind and nice I treat everyone else.  I don’t feel those things.

I mostly just feel like a lost and broken little girl.

-The Sarcastic Autist

Lost in Translation

I know, I’m getting to be real terrible about blogging regularly again.  I had put myself into stagnation because I was breaking apart.  So much change.  So many new things starting and old things stopping and new growth opportunities and places to finally bury my past.

Anyway.

Part of my Autism is having problems communicating effectively with people.  My brain will often shut down and I won’t be able to find the proper words.  I am a complete mess when it comes to making and maintaining eye contact and knowing what facial expressions and body language mean.  Idioms will often go over my head and you can almost hear the whoosh noise.

Then there’s how I process things.  I will often make weird noises (or attempt to refrain from making weird noises) or come up with weird on the spot phrases.  Example: My cat was bothering me one night and I said to her “you say tomato and I say potato and that’s why we don’t have any onion soup”.  To me, it meant that we were both on our own thing and at odds, not being able to find a good compromise or solve the problem at hand.

There are times where I will come up with some really brilliant sayings such as “I am not in charge of the sea, only the boat” or “I find my courage at the end of cold, crooked rainbows”.  Things that are easier for the lay person to understand.

It takes me time to process things people tell me.  I have to carefully listen to each word and phrase and make sure I’m not missing anything.  Something I’ve gotten good at is saying “Help me understand please”.

But I think part of the reason I hadn’t been blogging, reading, actively participating in therapy, or doing anything communicative lately is I haven’t been able to find the right way to communicate that, I’m not okay.

I mean, I am okay.  I have a wonderful girlfriend who is so understanding.  A very patient therapist and even more patient friends who care and love me.  I’m not sick.  I’m not dying o suicidal or have any broken bones or huge injuries.  Mentally, I’m not really all that depressed anymore.

But I’m not okay.  I have so many body image issues and delusions about how I look and how I really am.  I read Eating in the Light of the Moon and I’m all gung-ho about this disordered eating recovery thing but I am not okay with it.  I am not okay with constantly questioning what my body is telling me.  I’m not okay with not wanting to eat or wanting to just eat all the things and then puke up all the things.  I’m not okay with crying over a bowl of french fries.  I’m not okay with the panic that rises every time I think about what I’m eating and how much and how often and where and who with and why.

I don’t have a healthy relationship with food.  I had been doing so well and then yesterday I hardly ate at all.  I woke up this morning with the low blood sugar shakes.  I’ll ignore my hunger if I want to accomplish a task.

I realized I have the same sort of mindset with relationships.  I want to please everyone and I have so many insecurities.  “Please don’t hate me because I have a different opinion on this show.”  “Please don’t judge me for what I classify as a meal.”  “I will force myself to do this thing you like so you can like me, just like I will shove food in my face hole because I’m supposed to eat.”

It kind of begs the question for me, should I be working on the disordered eating or the disordered communication or the disordered relationships?  How could I work on all 3?  Is that even possible?  Am I so messed up that nothing will ever be normal?  How can anyone tolerate this broken, dirty mess I am?

It’s when I start getting overwhelmed with these kinds of thoughts that I take a mental step back and just stop.  Breathe.  Realize.  Empathize.

Such a weird thing to have been so helpful.

-The Sarcastic Autist

Short Bit cuz Charon’s Sick

Charon is sick today.  Which means no therapy today.  However, that doesn’t mean I can skip out on blogging because I’m trying to get back into the habit of it.  I got real slack about everything for a few months.  I had gotten depressed.

No matter, I’m here now and that’s what counts, right?  Let’s see…

I don’t think I’ve ever had a healthy relationship with food.  When I was a kid, it was devour anything and everything I could because I never knew when my next food was going to be.  Then that tuned into bouts of not wanting to eat at all because people would call me fat.  Which turned into eating on a rigid schedule so I wouldn’t overeat by accident.  Which turned into bulimia in high school after my mum’s gastric bypass and my rape and constant comparisons to other “pretty girls”.  Which then turned into eating a lot of junk food and alcohol because it was cheap and didn’t require any effort.  Which then turned into my most recent 2-3 year struggle with bulimia. Which turned into now, the struggle to stop restricting and to allow my body to let me know what it needs.

I finished reading Eating in the Light of The Moon.  It’s a bit new agey.  I also do recommend reading it if you struggle with food or disordered eating.  It did more than just help me learn about my ED issues, but also helped me realize that I have been hiding from my beliefs and been scared to share that I believe in that sort of thing.

Which again leads me to wonder… What else am I so afraid of that I lie to myself?  Besides the dark… That is a totally legit fear. 100%.  I have a fear of things I can’t see.  There’s nothing wrong with that.

-The Sarcastic Autist

I’m just popping on real quick.  I just snapped at Flapjack for something small.  Honestly, I got flustered and lashed out real quick.  I immediately regretted and expressed remorse.  It’s not something I really do anymore.  I’ve gotten real good at getting in touch with my feelings and approaching things in an effective and healthy manner.

And it’s the second time within a week I’ve snapped at someone.  I snapped at Charon on Monday too.  That bothers me.  Obviously I’m feeling pent up and angry about something.  A lot of things.

Maybe it’s that disgusting house I grew up in and my current state of trying to move passed it.  What are my stressors in life right now?  What’s going on to make me change how I react?

Could also be because I am working on my eating disorder.  That’s probably part of it.

I’m going to brush my teeth and go to bed.  I don’t want to be awake and feeling gross and tainted.