Fucking Hells

Hey all, sorry I’ve been MIA.  I’ve been really struggling lately. Half the time I feel like I’m in some sort of weird dream state, the other half I’m just so depressed I can barely do anything. I’ve been dealing with a lot of urges to cut.  I haven’t, though. The urge is there.  Honestly, when it comes to self-harm stuff, it’s when I get eerie calm is when I worry more.  I get super panicky or anxious or whatever and have that urge and then I get calm suddenly, like a switch is flipped, and it’s almost like I have no control over myself and I end up cutting.  Still haven’t done it, though, for the record.

Some good news!  I got a Top Surgery Consult scheduled for next year.  My slogan for next year is now “Yeet the Teet 2020” because I like pretending I’m in a presidential campaign.  I think it’s hilarious.  My friend Kuma-chan is getting married next year, too.  She also said that she’ll help take care of me if/when I get my fun bags guillotined.

I was asked to be a guest speaker at my old therapist’s office for DBT related things and I agreed.  I think it’ll be fun.  It’s been making me think more about how my life has changed since doing DBT stuff.

I’ve also been thinking about maybe dating again.  I struggle a lot with my self-worth when it comes to dating.  I don’t feel myself as attractive.  I’m disabled and may never be able to do any sort of gainful work. I can’t really do any homemaking stuff.  I don’t see what I can bring into a relationship outside of conversation. I feel like I’d be more of a burden than a partner.

As for as PTSD and dissociative stuff… It’s also getting worse.  I don’t know how much time I’m losing because I’m trying not to think about it much.  There’s times where I’ll be doing something and then I’m suddenly doing something else.  I’ll be watching an episode of a show and suddenly it’s 5 episodes later. Flashbacks are getting worse. Normally, I’m able to keep at least some sort of grasp on the here and now, but lately… Lately I’ve been getting sucked in more and more.  Last night I was struggling with not slipping back. Sometimes I’ll be doing something innocuous and suddenly I’ll feel the physical sensations of being assaulted. I had a few moments where I was hearing my dad yelling out my dead name.

I’m not doing well. The anniversary of the Thing is coming up again and I’m doing way worse than I was last year. I’m still freaked out about my ex whenever I leave my apartment. My brother told me our da was recently in my town for a Trump rally and now I’m additionally paranoid about seeing him.

My sleep is shite.  I got bags under my eyes. I’m starting to look like a racoon. I feel jumpy as fuck. I force myself to lay in bed, even if it activates the fuck out of me, because I need the rest.

I’m planning on talking to my therapist next week a bit more.  I’ve been telling her maybe one or two more things lately.  I feel like I really need to talk about some of this shit because it’s really affecting me.

Anyways, I’m gonna go read.  Thank you for your time.

-The Sarcastic Autist

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