Nervousness and Flow Charts

Konbanwa, tomodachi!  Oh man, have I been procrastinating today.  I haven’t even glanced at the homework for group that’s due tomorrow.  I was depressed and then I just didn’t want to do it.  I didn’t do the homework for Charon either, but that was because I didn’t understand it and I got distracted and I didn’t want to.  I’ll admit, a huge part in me not doing any of my homework was because I didn’t want to.

I did a typing speed test and got 67 words per minute.  I think I would have done faster if I had done words that made sense in sentences rather than random words.  I just wanted to share that because I got what equates a B+.  Go me.

I did a lot of worrying today about talking to Charon tomorrow.  I’m a bit worried that I booked myself too much and I don’t really like seeing her outside the normal hours and locations.  It bothers me.  It is kind of like when you see a teacher outside of school.  It’s a shock.  But I told myself that I need to pull an Elsa and just chill out.  (For the record, I’ve been listening to a LOT of Disney songs lately, especially Frozen, Tangled and Mulan.  Those are my favourite ones.)

I thought about what I’m feeling about the whole gender situation.  I found that reading the meaning of the words for the emotions help me to do a nice flow chart sort of conclusion making thing.  Okay.  To put that in a better way, I have a lot of the actual definitions of emotion names memorized.  What I do is I narrow down the core emotion (ie anger, happy, fear) and sort of go down from there.

I knew I was scared.  So I thought that I was maybe anxious.  No, that didn’t quite fit in well enough with the definition and what my thoughts were.  Nervousness?  Close enough.  So I’m not anxious, but I am nervous.  I may become anxious tomorrow, but I’m not anxious right now.  I’m more nervous because I don’t want to be labelled attention seeking or weird or a freak.

So I also problem solved.  Is this a Drop Bear?  Is my fretting about Charon’s reaction something that is a genuine issue that I can do something about?  What are my options?

Well, I could keep not talking about it, like I keep not talking about my many past sexual assaults or my past abuse issues.  I can keep pretending that it isn’t something that bothers me.  I can keep ignoring it and pretending that it isn’t something that affects me and fills me with feelings of shame and sadness and despair and self-loathing.  Because clearly this is something I should just get over and it’s totally something I can control, just like my attraction towards females.  (That last sentence was sarcasm, for the record.)

I think this is sort of like Schrodinger’s Drop Bear.  It is and it isn’t a problem that actually exists.  It is a problem because this is still a relatively new revelation that I’ve had.  It still bothers me and I want to work through all the seemingly random emotions that I’m feeling towards being nonbinary.  It isn’t a problem because Charon hasn’t gone out and said she hates me or thinks I’m weird or stupid.  It’s not a problem because it doesn’t matter what gender I am or am not.  (Schrodinger’s Gender)

Anyway, I am in a bit of a silly mood today.  It’s probably because of all the Disney songs I’ve been singing along to.

I also need to get off the computer and go to bed soon because tomorrow is going to be a long day for me.  I just wanted to give a bit of an update to all you good people.

Thank you and have a wonderful night.

-The Sarcastic Autist