Greetings, my friends! I hope you are all doing better than I am. I’m around 90% sure my pinky toe is broken. I have it taped up currently and am refusing to see a medical professional because I am deeply afraid of not being able to control myself and asking for drugs. It’s an unreasonable fear, in my opinion. I recently went in for mild ear pain and only requested antibiotics, so I should be able to contain my addiction. I also found my old DBT book from 4 years ago. I’m going to be flipping through it tonight. I think it’d be fun, since I was such a pain in the ass back then.
I want to remind everyone that this blog is about my own perspectives and experiences and therefore is subjective, not objective, to life. I also want to take a little walk down memory lane with you all in this newest edition of My Spazzing and Me.
When I was younger, I was a much angrier child. I would often throw fits and have tantrums. These pretty much stopped by the time I got into high school. I would still lash out if I got too overwhelmed with any emotion, including happiness and excitement. This is because I didn’t understand the different emotions and how to properly express them. In the 10th grade, I started cutting and I stopped having such outbursts of emotions. I was still suppressing them; I was just turning them on myself instead of on others.
I want to fast forward to 2013. I was constantly using drugs and alcohol to deal with emotions. I cut on occasion. Moving to the end of 2015, I was just entering my first couple of months sobriety from drugs and taking to meditation. At the beginning of the year, on a Wednesday, I forgot to go to the toilet during break for group. I was spazzing out and going full on rocking and plucking at my clothes and stuttering. I was very anxious and distressed from my need to toilet. I did not feel the need to cut and I just let myself do what my body needed to in order to keep myself in check.
A little while later, I was thumping against my chest and twisting my left hand at Amazing Discount Book Store. I was anxious and a bit overstimulated because of the lights and sounds, but I allowed myself to spaz without suppressing my emotions or calling myself a freak. Now-a-days, I fully allow myself to feel my emotions and to have my spazzes and to play with Chaz the Spaz without much if any shame.
I tell you this because I had been told for years that my spazzing was wrong and that I shouldn’t do it. I couldn’t bang my head against things or hit myself. I wasn’t allowed to rock back and forth or make blepping noises without being punished. And I lacked the ability to express how I felt, although I was told that what I was feeling was wrong anyway, so that didn’t really matter. I forced myself to hold it all in and eventually I would just explode from the pressure.
I was not letting my emotions play out when I didn’t let myself spaz. If I’m anxious and I don’t allow myself my movements, my anxiety worsens. If I do my spazzing, it’s like acknowledging my emotions and letting them run their course. I’m able to think about what the source of the emotional reaction is and conduct myself accordingly. I’m not saying I’m very good at it, because I’m not. I actually really suck at it still. DBT is helping.
I’m happier when I let myself do my spazzing. When I was listening to other people on how I should be sitting still and such, I was being forced down a path that was wrong for me. I like the path I’m on right now, where I’m allowed to be me and I’m allowed to do my spazzing.
My facial tic thingy is not a spaz, in my opinion. I’m almost never aware of when I’m doing it. It doesn’t occur only during emotional episodes or whatnot. It happens a lot when I’m trying to concentrate, so maybe it’s my reading face. My facial tic is also the thing that’s gotten me into trouble a lot. I would get punished a lot for ‘smiling’ when I was a child, despite my assertions that I was not. I was constantly being told off for smirking, grimacing, making faces, etc. I’ve been bullied and made fun of plenty of times for it.
I’ve only recently allowed myself to have my spazzing without feeling like it’s something to be ashamed of. I want to accept my facial thing like I’ve accepted my spazzing. It’s really hard to do when someone tells me that I must’ve found something amusing because I was smiling, when in fact I have no idea what the fuck my mouth is doing half the time. It’s hard to do when people point it out constantly and ask me about it. I understand that it’s a weird thing and people are curious and probably not doing it to be mean. I still don’t like it.
Whenever I get too hard on myself, I just remind myself that I’m always growing as a person and I am allowed to make mistakes and to be imperfect. And that’s what I have to remind myself now.
As my mantra goes: I promise to always strive to be Authentic, Progressive and Kind and to aim to be my own special brand of Awesome.
-The Sarcastic Autist