Inspiring Pathways

Genki desuka, minna!  How are you all today?  I’ve been fighting another migraine and I think I might talk to a doctor about it because they’re becoming more and more frequent it seems.  However, beyond that, I made some tuna mayo onigiri this morning for my friend Ebony Irishman (my black irish friend) and Charon, my therapist.  I also consumed a couple.  I’m also proud to announce that I’ve been purge free for a few months now.  We’re also going to ignore the fact that I don’t eat much and just celebrate the small victories.  I haven’t cut since the beginning of the year, either.  I’m quite proud of myself, go me!

You know something that I’ve noticed lately, my dear readers?  I’ve been getting called an inspirational influence more and more frequently.  It’s something that is quite hard to accept.  Why, today, my friend Baby Mama put up some strict boundaries with some relatives and said she learned how to do so from me.  I’m in awe that I made an impact on someone like that.

Quite honestly, I never thought I’d be a good role model.  What with the drinking and smoking and drug use and the distressful mental state, along with my weight, I kind of figured that I would never be a positive influence on anyone.  Today Charon said that I have made progress by leaps and bounds.  I’ve come a long way since I started seeing her in September.  Even I notice a difference in how much more Zen I’ve become.

I once told Charon that I thought that having a Life More Worth Living would mean that I had a positive impact on at least one person.  I also thought it meant being like my neurotypical brother, but that’s beside the point.  At the time, I felt more worthless and different and ashamed of who I was than I am now.  Hell, even a few weeks ago I was writing about how it made me feel bad that I couldn’t function like ‘normal’ people because Autism.

Now I see that I don’t have to feel ashamed of the way I am.  I don’t have to feel proud of it either.  I am who I am and that’s the only thing I can be.  The more okay I’ve felt, the more at peace and Zen I’ve felt of myself, the more I noticed how my attitude can affect others.  No one wants to be around a Bothersome Betty.  But no one minds hanging with an Awesome Alice.

I think I mentioned before how there are no good people and no bad people, only choices and actions.  I want to follow up with that we each need to follow our own paths in life.  A path may meander around a bit, it may seem to lead through forests and swamps and over mountains and deep into valleys.  I know my own path is going to be filled with pot holes and speed bumps because of the way my wiring is.  That’s just a fact of life for me.    I am trying to accept that.

However, before I started DBT, I wasn’t even walking along any path.  I was taking shortcuts or sitting down, not engaging in the system.  There were times that I was dragged along someone else’s path.  There were times I tried to follow someone on their path because I was so enamoured with them.  I’m sure there were probably times that I walked backwards on the path just because I could.

With DBT, I slowly started going along my own road.  I’ve hit road blocks and construction, but with the help of my wonderful friends, my patient therapist, and the proper medication, I’ve been able to navigate most of the obstacles I’ve overcome.  I’m really grateful to all of them for helping me.  So, by Baby Mama telling me that I inspired her to stand up for herself, it made me feel good inside.  I feel like I’m finally able to help others along their own paths.

Something I kept thinking about today was that my life is a story and I want to be the author.  I have been told plenty of times in the past how easily manipulated I am.  By putting my foot down with Boris and saying “no, I am not going to take your bullshit”, I took the pen in my own hands and began to write my story the way I want it.  I’m no longer playing the role others want me to be.  And for me, this is a feeling that I can’t describe, except it feels really good.

A huge issue with me in the past has been that I tend to either let myself get stepped on or I come across as a bitch.  I’ve finally grown enough and learned enough to stand my ground without being a dick about it.  I can set boundaries and not be a cunt.  It’s amazing.  I never thought I’d make it this far.  I’m doing things I never thought possible.

Anyway, I feel like I got a bit off topic.  I’m filled with joy for being able to be such a wonderful inspiration for people.  I’ve made great strides with this.  I think my next goal will be to tackle emotions.  Alas, that is another post for another day.

I want to end with a quick update.  I did tell Charon about how Argon acted, and some of his contacts, and she seemed to sympathize with me a bit.  She would have called me out if I was being unreasonable.  However, she did say that the reason for me avoiding him is illogical and doesn’t suit my personality, since I told her that I’m afraid of blowing up at the guy for being a dickwad and not listening to me.  I’m going to talk to Styx, my psychiatrist, on Friday about the situation and see if I can get an outside referral or if she can point me out to someone else within the system that won’t be so prejudiced against me.  One thing my friends and my Care team can all agree on is that I don’t exhibit the manipulative or Narcissistic or delusional behavior that people with Borderline Personality Disorder have.  At least I have that going for me.

With care,

The Sarcastic Autist

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