I’m feeling overwhelmed and I have been fighting the urge to cut for a while now. I had a talk with Charon the other day and it turns out that I was misunderstanding something she was telling me, so now we have that out of the way and can continue to move forward.
I’m feeling overwhelmed. I don’t actually have a lot going on, I just get overwhelmed easy. I am trying to fill out forms to go back to school. I keep getting notices from my insurance saying that it’s going to be terminated because paperwork is either missing or incomplete and I’m struggling with that. I’m struggling with nightmares and sleep quality. I’m struggling with flashbacks. My weight has gone up and I hate myself for that too. I have been applying for housing so I don’t always have to live with my mum. My cat is getting old. We have inspections coming up on June 3rd, so I have to make sure the entire house is good for that. My mum has been in and out of hospital for surgery and pain because she has kidney stones again. I keep thinking my hair is receding.
I’m depressed. I don’t want to go to bed and I don’t want to get out of bed and I can’t sleep well regardless. I can’t concentrate worth shit. I feel like I’m a worthless thing. I keep having fucking flashbacks of my da and Father’s Day is coming up and Mother’s day just happened and there’s been so many fucking family functions where I’m treated poorly and my mum jumps on the chance to dead name me and misgender me whenever she can get away with it.
I’ve been really fighting thoughts/urges to cut. Last few days I’ve had intrusive thoughts about slitting my wrists. I promised I wouldn’t kill myself for the duration of DBT. I was actually looking over the agreement and it says ‘target behaviours’ and none of my target behaviours are cutting. It’s avoiding and disordered eating. Honestly, the biggest reason I haven’t cut is because then I would have to tell my therapists and I don’t want to.
I just want everything to stop for 5 minutes. Just 5 minutes of no stress or anything.
I just want a hug and someone to tell me it’s alright and it’s not my fault. I want to be told I’m not a horrible person and that, while I’ve made mistakes and haven’t always been the best, I’m not the worst. I want to be told I didn’t deserve all the shit I’ve gone through. I want to be told that I’m lovable as I am and that my family is just full of assholes. I want to stop holding myself hostage by my self-hate and I want to stop hating and blaming everything on me and my mum. She’s a victim and a perpetrator. I want to stop feeling like I’m nothing but a failure. I want to stop feeling hated and like I don’t belong anywhere.
I have a hard time telling people when I’m feeling this bad. The first time I remember asking for help, my mum interrogated me, asking me why I felt suicidal. She wouldn’t let up and threatened to lock me up in the psych ward if I didn’t give her a reason. I told her it was because of my da. It was her. It was my life back then, the abuse from my aunt and uncle and my cousins, the abuse from her, the feeling of being an outcast, of not being good enough. I was told I was just saying I was depressed and suicidal because I was looking for attention. In a way, they weren’t wrong, I was. I wanted someone to pay attention to me and truly see me, see how much I was suffering and help me.
Instead, I was told that I was being an ungrateful little bitch and that I would be locked up if I didn’t stop and behave. Whether it was a mental ward, juvie, foster care… It was all the same. I was told constantly to change and that I wasn’t wanted. That who I was wasn’t good enough, smart enough, well behaved enough, thin enough, pretty enough, white enough, girly enough. That who I was wasn’t loved enough.
Now-a-days, it’s just that… I’m not enough. Period, at all. I just… I just want my parents and family of origin to love me. It used to be that I thought that they didn’t love me because I was gay. Now I think they don’t love me because I’m me. Because I’m just someone who is easy not to love.
And it’s just so hard for me right now.
-The Sarcastic Autist
PS, I am in no way going to harm myself or kill myself in any manner. I promised I wouldn’t kill myself and I find it next to physically impossible to break a promise. I have a high sense of honour when it comes to that.