Useless Nonbinary Lesbian

Hey everyone, I’m not dead.  I’ve just had a helluva week.  I haven’t posted in a week.  So, let’s break this down.  Heads up, I talk about sex stuff later in my post and my post is super long.  And by sex stuff, I don’t go into sordid details, but I do talk about sex stuff.  Nonbinary Lesbian sex stuff.  Sooo…. You been warned.

Last Saturday was the Trans Support Group that I’ve been going to.  There was finally another transmasculine person there, a trans man, but he left pretty soon after it was over and he was also a teenager so I couldn’t ask him all the questions I would have liked.  Because that would be inappropriate.  We went to a chinese place after, where I promptly ate nothing because I saw nuts and I’m paranoid about not dying.  I had fun, though.

I ended up getting a call from one of the women there after I got home.  I’m going to call her Sweet Pea.  Because she’s sweet.  And I’m running out of nicknames for people on here.  So, Sweet Pea called me and we talked for over 4 hours on the phone, instead of texting.  I normally text because talking on the phone gives me anxiety.  I still had anxiety, but I also knew that she preferred talking over texting, so I allowed it.

Before we get too much further into this tale, I want to inform you all what a Useless Lesbian is.  A Useless Lesbian is a lesbian,( a girl who likes girls, wlw, you actually have to be a gay woman or nonbinary to be a Useless Lesbian, and yes, I do feel the need to clarify that because I’ve been dealing with a lot of asshats who call themselves lesbians when they are not, because they are straight men or women doing some lowkey gay erasure), anyway, a Useless Lesbian is a lesbian who can’t take a hint that another girl likes them.  I am a Useless Lesbian.  I can explain away just about anything unless it is plainly told to my face.  And even then, I try to tell myself that they like me as a friend or they’re just being nice.

Back to the Main Story.

I am a Useless Lesbian.  Sweet Pea asked me if it was true that tongue rings enhance kissing and I figured she was just curious since it was a new piercing of mine.  We stayed up late for a few nights in a row talking on the phone about random stuff.  I invited her over for Thanksgiving because she didn’t have anyone to spend it with since her family sucks.  She invited me to hang out Wednesday.  She called me super cute in a text and put a heart emoji after it.  We talked about sex stuff and gender stuff and sexuality stuff.

And I explained all of this away as stuff my friends and I do all the time and I didn’t want to potentially ruin Thanksgiving because I have this value that it’s friends first, everything else second.  That means I would rather be a friend than lose a person because I have a crush.  It also means that I will always be a friend to people, regardless of who they are to me, be they therapist, barista, doctor, random passerby. I will treat them as I would a friend, with varying degrees of boundaries, IE, I won’t text Charon when I’m pooping just to talk about random stuff, but I’ll text Kuma-chan and send her random emojis.  I’m genuinely concerned for the well-being of others, so I’ll ask and actually care about how my providers are doing.  I’m just not going to call them up and be all “hey, you want to grab a beer”.  So I guess, I’m friendly, rather than a friend.  Same thing, though, if you get down to it.  I felt the need to clarify so no one thought that anything weird was going on.

Anyway, so Sweet Pea was dropping all these hints and just the general flow of conversation made me feel like maybe there was more to it that just friends, but I didn’t know because I can literally justify actively getting married at the altar as a ‘just friends’ thing.  I was lamenting it and asking other people their advice and input.  I had no idea what to wear on Wednesday because if it was a friend-date, I would have dressed more casual, but for a date-date, I was wanting to dress a bit more fancy.  I ended up going with a button up that was mostly buttoned and a nice pair of jeans, rather than jeans and a hoodie or a button up, khakis and a bow-tie.

Fast-Forward to Wednesday Night.  I had been up since 2 am.  We went to the game store I play DnD at to play Magic the Gathering.  She beat me.  Then we went to Applebee’s where I ate her french fries because I can’t really eat out at places.

After we paid (and I paid the tip), we’re getting ready to go and one of the waitresses gives me a number and goes “so-and-so wanted you to have this”.  If my skin tone allowed me to blush, I would have blushed.  I was sitting there thinking “but, I already have Sweet Pea’s number, I don’t want this.  I don’t know the protocol for this.  Oh my gods, what do I do.”  Sweet Pea was quiet and I ended up just rambling for a minute because that had never happened to me.  So, we left and went out to her car.

And Sweet Pea said “you know why I said that was awkward” and I said “because who just randomly gives out phone numbers?”  Then she confessed that she liked me and stuff.  She was jealous that someone else was hitting on me and I find that endearing.  She was worried I was going to call the person, apparently, and set up a date.  I don’t think we can ever go to that Applebee’s again because I ended up tossing the number and I have no idea the polite rejection for that situation, but thanks random lady, you got me set up with a pretty woman.

We held hands and talked for a few more hours and then I gave her an awkward kiss when she dropped me off.

Then Yesterday was Thanksgiving.  Oh man, was that fun.  I had to clean to make it presentable for her.  I showed her how I do my testosterone injection because she has to do an estrogen injection and I helped her with her injection.  She passed out because she bled a bit and she can’t handle blood.  It freaked us both out.

I made us a small lunch while she recovered in my bed and I forced her to follow hypoglycemia protocol.  A glass of juice for quick raise, a fruit for a bit of prolonged raise, some cheese as a protein for a sustained raised blood sugar.  Ideally, I would have had nuts or jerky or something for her, but we don’t have nuts or jerky.  If you substitute the cheese for a bite of soy nut butter, that’s what I do if my blood sugar drops and I am about to pass out or have already passed out once.

I made us dinner.  I made her a cornish hen, which made me almost cry when I was making it.  I made mashed potatoes that came out too salty, homemade stuffing, vegan gravy, and rolls.  It wasn’t the best spread, but neither of us are eating much and I realized yesterday in talking to her that I normally eat less than 1,000 calories a day right now.  More on that later.

We ended up watching a few different movies together last night and she did stay the night.  My mum doesn’t know she’s gay.  We kissed and cuddled and I don’t mind her touching my breasts but I freaked a bit when she tried to touch my crotch through my pants, so that’s probably something I should work on.  I like that I can be open to her about my gender stuff and my masturbation habits and sex stuff and just everything because she’s not a judgemental person.  I like that about her.

So, we did have sex and we did make out a lot.  Well, I gave her oral.  I like giving oral.  I kept my pants on because, like I said, I shut down any attempts to touch my downstairs bits.  Honestly, I don’t know what sort of reservations I have about that besides just the normal body image issues I have.  It’s something I may have to bring up in therapy.

This post is nearly 1,500 words already, so I’ll try to keep the rest quick.  I’m going over to her place tomorrow night.  I’m looking forward to spending more time with her because I don’t mind the physical contact with her.  She smells nice.

For non Sweet Pea related stuff, I saw Charon on Monday, we talked about Sweet Pea and how I had no idea what the fuck I was doing.  As I was leaving, I mentioned that my eating disorder was acting up again and I was just letting all my providers know as a heads up.  She probably wants to work on that.  I do not.  Although, Sweet Pea and I wear the same size and she seems smaller than me (although I’m thrown off when we cuddle and I’m not engulfing her in my fat and it fucks with me and messes with my perception and how much space I take in the world).

I saw the physical therapist person on Tuesday to get my orthotic insoles.  I could barely tolerate sitting with them, let alone stand or walk.  When I did stand, I could only stand on one leg and I couldn’t bring myself to put the other one down because it felt wrong.  It felt like it stopped halfway up the balls of my feet and it felt wrong and made me want to cry.  Everyone was hyping me up for these things and saying how great they were and how much they would help and I can’t even stand them.  They set me off.  It was a very disappointing experience.  It’s made even worse because I used my new shoes to try them in and even though we switched the insoles back, I haven’t been able to wear those shoes again because they feel contaminated and wrong.  I’ve tossed out shit for far less reasonable reasons.

On a brighter note, I finally absolutely decided on a name that I’m not telling you guys because of privacy reasons.  I already mostly filled out the paperwork.  I’m unsure if I need 2 people who have known me for 2 years or more to go with me when I file.

I’m going to bed soon.  Thank you for reading.  Have a wonderful night or whatever time of day it is where you are.

-The Sarcastic Autist

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